Joke Of The Day

[IH8TOADS]

While I was driving down the freeway the other day, (going a little

faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a

policeman on the other side with a radar gun, laying in wait. The

policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and with that classic,

patronising smirk, asked:

"Runway too short"?

To which I replied. "I'm late for work"

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The policeman was surprised and confused.

"A what"

"A rectum stretcher"

"and just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said "I start by inserting one finger then I work my way up to

two fingers, then three, then four then with my whole hand in, work side

to side until I can stretch and stretch and then I slowly but surely

stretch the hole until it's about 6 feet"

Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously . "And just what

do you do with a six-foot ars*h*le?"

To which I politely replied, "You give it a radar gun and park it behind

a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: $150

Court Costs: $45

Look on copper's face: Priceless....

[phantomchic]

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today

than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population

with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection

of what to do with them.

[XR8owner]

A Bloke went to a party on saturday night and passed out on the lounge. When he woke up, he looked down and found a queer sucking him off. The bloke said to the queer, "Mate, when you're finished I'm gonna punch your lights out!"

[drcook]

a wife was complaining to her girlfirend one day that she never sees her husband because he's always off playing golf.

weekends - playing golf

afternoons - playing golf

holidays - playing golf

so the girlfriend sugests to the wife that she learn to play golf too - "that way he can enjoy what he's doing and you're getting to spend time with him".

"that's a great idea" the wife says.

so that weekend the wife goes to golf with the husband and learn the game from him, but at the end of the round the husband gives up. "im sick of teaching you, you'll never learn, you'll have to go and get some lessons beacuse you never listen to me!"

the next day the husband gets a phone call from the pro shop.

"its the pro shop. sorry to tell you but we've had to take your wife to the hospital"

"the hospital" the husband replies "what the hell happened to her".

"well, she got bitten by a wasp"

"where" the husband queried.

"between the first and second holes", the guy from the pro shop answered to which the husband replied -

"I told her not to stand with her legs too far apart when she teeing off !.

[syco6]

how do you kno when its time to go to bed at michael jacksons house???

when the big hand touches the little hand!

[syco6]

why does michael jackson like twenty eight year olds???

because there is twenty of them!

[syco6]

>Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?

> >

> >A: Not being retarded

> >

> > ******************************************************

> >Q: What's blue and f@cks old people?

> >

> >A: Hypothermia

> > *******************************************************

> >Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the

battered wives' shelter?

> >

> >A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her

> >*******************************************************

> >Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time

> >

> > A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

> >*******************************************************

> >Q: What is the definition of "making love"?

> >

> > A: Something a woman does while a guy is f@cking her.

> > *******************************************************

> >Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?

> >

> >A: They don't f@cking listen.

> >*******************************************************

> >Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?

> >

> >A: Gonorrhoea

> >*******************************************************

> >Q: Why did God create yeast infections?

> >

> >A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating c@nt

>once

> >in a while too.

> >*******************************************************

> >Q. How can you tell a macho woman?

> >

> >A. She rolls her own tampons.

> >*******************************************************

> >Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms?

> >

> >A. Better traction in the mud.

> >*******************************************************

> >Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?

> >

> >A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

> >*******************************************************

> >Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?

> >

> >A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13

years

> >old.

> >*******************************************************

> >Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

> >

> >A. Marry it.

> >*******************************************************

> >Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?

> >

> >A. Mugged and raped.

> >*******************************************************

> >Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

> >

> >A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

> >*******************************************************

> >Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?

> >

> >A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

> >*******************************************************

> >Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?

> >

> >A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles

an

> >hour.

> >*******************************************************

> >Q. How can you tell if the stripper is bulimic at a bachelor party?

> >

> >A. The cake jumps out of the girl.

> >*******************************************************

> >Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?

> >

> >A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

> >*******************************************************

> >Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?

> >

> >A. You push it to the side before you start eating.

> >*******************************************************

> >Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?

> >

> >A. You know she'll swallow.

> >*******************************************************

> >Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the

same

> >day in Iraq?

> >

> >A. They don't want to wear out the camel.

> >*******************************************************

> >Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

> >A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

> >*******************************************************

> >Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

> >

> >A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

> >*******************************************************

> >Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is

> >bedtime?

> >

> >A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

> >*******************************************************

> >Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?

> >

> >A. Look inside your pants; if you have a pen*s, it's not time.

> >*******************************************************

> >Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

> >

> >A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

[Blown BA]

It is 10:00 at the police station and there is only 2 officers working that day...Billy-Bob and Billi-Jo.

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can I stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>

...now its 11:00 at the police station...

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can I stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>

...now its midnight... and the power goes out...!!

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can I stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>

wait?! billy-bob that's not my belly-button.

billy-bob: I know...:> and that's not my finger!! :>

[Blown BA]

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

[Blown BA]

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. "What's going on?" Ed asked one of the crowd.

"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

"I can do that!" Ed said confidently.

"No you can't," said Ted.

"I sure as hell can!" said Ed.

"You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster," said Ted.

"Watch this," said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. "Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?" Ted asked.

"Remember three months ago," Ed said...

"When my wife had whooping cough...?"