Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it's funny.

[Blown BA]

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. The person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomachache, it won't last 9 months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. You have less guilt the next morning, and ......

1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

[gassit]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it's funny. 

George,

you crack me up

Steve

[turbotom]

For sale:

Palm Pilot[

[KittyKatSmack]

THE LIAR CLOCK!

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall

of clocks behind him.

He asked "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

Incredible," said the man.

"And whose clock is that one?"

St Peter responded, "That's Kim Beazley's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Beazley told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's John Howard's clock?" asked the man.

"Howard's clock is in Jesus' office.

He's using it as a ceiling fan."

boom boom

(in no way am I advocating any political party or preferences by posting this joke)

[GT-P 390]

Cowboy boots

Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife "Notice anything different about me?"

>>Bessie looks him over "Nope". Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asks, a little louder this time "Notice anything different NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow".

Furious, Ray yells "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?

IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat"

[phantomchic]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she

would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your

sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, Sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer.

[TRY29T]

If this story doesn't make you cry from laughing so hard, let me know

and we'll send someone right over to check your pulse.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting

loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off

because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and

that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was

concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one

Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he

was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put

the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts

and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went

upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back

the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his

underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor

laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she

had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his

bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit

her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Darling, you were right. All these years you have warned me

and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts

out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, Vaseline

and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

GC

[XR6TT]

ahh jeez

[XR6TT]

lol