Joke Of The Day

[KEN 24T]

FAF! (Falchoon)

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[XRSICKT]

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[HellionXR6T]

THE HORMONE WARNING

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a

man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in

the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?

SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.

Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a

good laugh, or men who need a warning. And remember: Money talks....

But Chocolate sings.

[XRSICKT]

Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a

good laugh, or men who need a warning. And remember: Money talks....

But Chocolate sings.

Don't you worry, I keep a stach

[KEN 24T]

Men Vs. Women

Let's look at a few rather important topics to prove this:

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Pecker and Schmucko.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want some change back.

The girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothpaste, toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.No man will be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

THE FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Every married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing, is there?

LISTENING

What a woman says: "C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do laundry now."

What a man hears: C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW.

[CHIPS]

........Fantastic!!

[Falchoon]

A man goes into a doctor's surgery with a steering wheel down his pants.

The doc asks, "what seems to be the problem" to which the man replies "I dont know but it's driving me nuts."

[Guest Northerly]

A Teacher says to her Year (Grade) 2 class - “Today class we are going to learn about the word contagious. Who can tell me a sentence with the word contagious in it?”

Little Mary – “Miss, I can. When I went to the hospital the Doctor wore a mask. Mum said that was to make sure the doctor did not spread or catch any contagious germs.”

“Very good Mary” says the Teacher. “Anybody else?

“Yes Miss” says little Sarah. “When I had chicken pox I could not come to School because my Mum said it was contagious.

“Very good Sarah” says the Teacher.

A voice rings out. Its little Johny.

“Miss, Miss, I have a sentence” says little Johny.

“Okay” says the teacher. “What is it?”

Little Johny says – “One day my Dad and I were sitting on the front porch. He was having a beer. A big garbage truck came down our street. As it went around the corner all the rubbish fell from the back of the truck. My dad said it will take that c#nt ages to clean up the mess.”

[Turbo6man]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

The next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are again in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

[NT TURBO]

Smoking in the Rain

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke

when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it

over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and

announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely.

She is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately he

asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.