Joke Of The Day

[ZAP]

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.

"Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"

"I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it"

Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"

Naturally Andy didn't bring it.

So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that

they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts......

"I Knew it'......I'm not fu*king going!"

[Blown BA]

John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Arizona called Long Valley.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

[Blown BA]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy." The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

[Blown BA]

A rich man and a poor man are talking about what they gave their wives for Valentine's Day. The rich man says "I got my wife a Mercedes and a 3 CRT. diamond ring." The poor man says "Why did you get her both?"

"Because if she doesn't like one she always has the other...what did you get your wife?" The poor man replies, "I got her slippers and a *beep*." The rich man says "Why did you get her a *beep*?" The poor man says, "So if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself."

[-carty]

A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.

As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says "NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"

Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan

"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"

"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"

"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"

"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.

To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!"

[jordak]

It's not a joke but check this out - Excellent!!

[harvyk]

It's not a joke but check this out - Excellent!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Check what out???

[jordak]

It's not a joke but check this out - Excellent!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Check what out???

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Sorry mate can't get the damn file to attach, heres a joke instead.

Paddy's first day on the Aussie building site, sat having lunch when he noticed the bricklayer beside him drinking out of a shiny metal container.

"Whats that your holding" asked Paddy

"A thermos Flask" said the brickie

"Oh yeah whats it for then" asked Paddy

"It's for keeping hot things hot and cold things cold" replied the brickie

A couple of days later Paddy is sat with his mate Mick having a bight of lunch when Paddy brings out his bright new shiny S/S thermos flask.

"Whats that" asked Mick.

"It's a Thermos Flask, it's for keeping hot things hot and cold things cold, replied Paddy!

"Oh yeah what have you got in it then asked Mick, to which Paddy replied

..........two cups of tea and an icecream!

[Blown BA]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

[Blown BA]

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a storming row and began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police got called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in court. The fight continued in the court room until the Judge finally brought calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court!"

The court room went silent and Paddy (the best man) stood up and said, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agreed and asked Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

"Well", continued Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leaped over the table, ran towards us, and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded: "God... that must have hurt!"

Paddy replied, "HURT ?? It broke 3 of my fingers!!!"