Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the road.

Guys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.

Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.

Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.

Guys: wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.

Men: think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.

Guys: think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.

Men: balance their checkbooks.

Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.

Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.

Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers.

Guys: are afraid of becoming men.

Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call.

Guys: pretend you're not there when their moms call.

Men: start their own businesses.

Guys: quit their jobs.

Men: are experts on women's erogenous zones.

Guys: are experts on their own erogenous zone.

Men: order wine based on more than the price.

Guys: bring their own beer.

[Blown BA]

One dove is flying in the forest,then he sees the rabbit full of blood .

the dove say: hey rabbit u ok???

the rabbit :dont ask...the elephant got her period and she thought I was a tampon so.....

one month later -

the rabbit walks through the forest then he sees the dove full of blood, he ask the dove-"what happend"

the dove say-o my god just wait until I find the one who told the elephant to use the ones with WINGS.

[Eyby and the Rapid T-R6X]

Heres some automotive acronyms. Yes theres Ford ones too. Enjoy

AUDI

Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

All Un-informed Drivers Insulted

All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW

Big Money Waste

Beautiful Mechanical Wonder

Bavarian Manure Wagon

Big Money Works

Bought My Wife

Brutal Money Waster

b**ch Magnet on Wheels

BUICK

Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET

Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips

Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

Chews Heads, Eats Valves, Runs Only Low ET's

Can Handle Everything, Runs Over Limbs, Even Trees

DODGE

Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater

Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

Dead On Day Guarantee Expires

FIAT

Failure in Italian Automotive Technology

Fix It All the Time

Fix It Again, Tony!

Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation

FORD

Fix Or Repair Daily

Found On Road, Dead

Fault Of R&D

Fast Only Rolling Downhill

F**ker Only Runs Downhill

F***ed Over Rebuilt Dodge

First On Rust and Deterioration

First On Recall Day

First On Race Day

Fails On Race Day

Fails On Rainy Days

backwards -- Driver Returns On Foot

Features O.J. and Ron's DNA

GM

General Maintenance

Generally Mediocre

Gypped Me

GMC

Garage Man's Companion

Gotta Mechanic Coming?

God's Mechanical Curse

GrandMother's C**t

GTO

Get'cher Tools Out

HONDA

Had One Never Did Again

Happy Owners Never Drive Anything Else

HYUNDAI

Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive

JEEP

Just Empty Every Pocket

Just Everyone Else's Parts

MAZDA

Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

MOPAR

My Old Pig Ain't Running

Most Original Parts Already Replaced

OLDSMOBILE

Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday

Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

PINTO

Put In Nickel To Operate

PLYMOUTH

Please Let Your Mother Out (from) Under The Hood

PONTIAC

Poor Ole Nut Thinks It's A Cadillac

SAAB

Send Another Automobile Back

Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown

TOYOTA

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO

Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW

Virtually Worthless

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You forgot Holden

Heap Of Loud Disturbing Engine Noise

And now for my joke:

Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are having a coffee in Starbuck's. Darth Vader turns to Luke and says, "Son, I know what you're getting for Christmas..."

Luke answers, "How do you know that dad?"

To this Darth Vader breathes heavily then replies, "I felt your presents".

Deadset - the most fun you can have with your pants on.

And finally:

Why are nursing homes feeding their male residents Viagra before they go to sleep?

So they don't roll out of bed at night.

Cheers all,

Try the veal, it's really good...

[EVLKNEVL]

HOLDEN:

Hand On Little Dick Every Night

haha

[MYF6]

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Piss off".

They said "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

Then I thought........fu*k it, I could win this.

[Dagabond]

A man, in a hot air balloon, realized that he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 metres above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees south latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep. and, you expect people beneath you, to solve your problems. The fact is that you are in exactly the same position that you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!”

[Blown BA]

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the

seat next to him.

The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And

why don't you get me a whisky you b**ch."

The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the

parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee.

As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot

downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky you *beep*!"

Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no

coffee for the man.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the

parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you

to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!"

Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown

out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards.

Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For

someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bas*ard."

[Blown BA]

A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbor who had the most beautiful

garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden

and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato

garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her

garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did

you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

[Blown BA]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country.

He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vinnie, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.

I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

If you were here my troubles would be over.

I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love,

Dad

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.

That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love,

Vinnie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At 4 a.m. the next morning,

FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,

Vinnie

[phantomchic]

Words of wisdom to assist you fellas!!

WORDS WOMEN USE

>

>******************************

>

>FINE

>

>This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are

>right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman

>looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

>

>FIVE MINUTES

>

>This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your

>football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an

>even trade.

>

>NOTHING

>

>This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is

>usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you

>inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an

>argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

>

>GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )

>

>This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over

>"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

>

>GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

>

>This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You

>will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by

>"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes"

>when she cools off.

>

>LOUD SIGH

>

>This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often

>misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot

>at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here

>and arguing with you over "Nothing"

>

>SOFT SIGH

>

>Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that

>she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will

>stay content.

>

>THAT'S OKAY

>

>This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a

>man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before

>paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is

>often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised

>Eyebrow."

>

>GO AHEAD!

>

>At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big

>trouble.

>

>PLEASE DO

>

>This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the

>chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing

>whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the

>truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

>

>THANKS

>

>A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

>

>THANKS A LOT

>

>This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot"

>when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have

>offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud

>Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she

>will only tell you "Nothing"