Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

A man comes back from work and tell his wife :"today I want to try a new sex position"

-the wife ask:"ok which one?"

-the man said: "68"

-the wife:"68 ????I never knew that there is a 68 what is it??"

-the man:"you will give me a blow job and then I owe you one..."

[Dagabond]

Computer gender

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike

English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House''

for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine:

"el lapiz.''

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?''

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,

male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether

''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the

feminine gender (''la computer''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is

incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible

later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half

your paycheck on accessories for it.

(No chuckling... this gets better!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine

(''el computer''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE

the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little

longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[Dagabond]

A blonde walks into a bank in Sydney and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan office says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies... "Where else in Sydney can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

[Dagabond]

1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. We'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

2. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

3. Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality; their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Lief off my census."

[Blown BA]

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She

was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on

probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain

employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and starts right away. The supervisor checking up at

the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double

the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2

miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage

her, so I'll just keep quiet."

On the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her

before this gets any worse."

The boss pulled the new employee in and says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4

miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem?

An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"

The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

[Blown BA]

December 2004

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps

women's breas*s from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric

when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson

outside and kicked the sh*t out of him

[Blown BA]

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He

would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well

inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting

his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every

time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then,

she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out

and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his

nightly routine.

One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's

behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a

little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why

don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss?

Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a

good idea.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight,

he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in.

Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his

arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy

chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then,

she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short

while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we

should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well.

I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

[stang]

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween

party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to

the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued

and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was

no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his

costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain

and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband

didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by

watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,

cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he

could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife

went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his

new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as

far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear

and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate

intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she

slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,

wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous

behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of

time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time

when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got

there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the

spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really

silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with

unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my

costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

[aniken]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[Dagabond]

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you on April 1 this year?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my porch on a warm Spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breas*s.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Because, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: HELL NO. He just yelled, "APRIL FOOL," and that's when I SHOT the little bas*ard!