Joke Of The Day

[aniken]

Some of the more obscure measures you should be aware of:

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement= 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile perhour = Knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year

8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower

12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line

13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycles

16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

18. 10 cards = 1 decacard

19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard

20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton

21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen

22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

24. 10 rations = 1 decaration

25. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

28. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League

[aniken]

One-liners

>1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

>2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

>3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

>4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

>5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

>6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

>7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

>8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

>9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

>10. I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

>11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

>12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

>13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

>14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

>15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

>16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

>17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

>18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

>19. Procrastinate Now!

>20. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

>21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

>22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

>23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

>24. They call it PMS because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

>25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

>26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

>27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

>28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

>29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

>30. I smile and nod because I don't know what the hell is going on

[Dagabond]

>>A husband and wife are traveling by car from Auckland to Napier.

>>After almost four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue,

>>and they decide to stop for a rest at Rotorua. They stop at a nice

>>hotel

>>and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get

>>back on the road.

>> When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a

>>bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so

>>high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly

>>aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the

>>man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to

>>the

>>man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge

>>conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

>>"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

>>"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

>>"The best entertainers from "Lord of the Rings" and

>>"Maori Arts and Crafts" perform here," the Manager says.

>>"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

>>"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

>>No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies,

>>"But we didn't use it!"

>>The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

>>He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised

>>when he looks at the check.

>>"But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50."

>>"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my

>>wife."

>>"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

>>"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

[Blown BA]

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5

What absolute bliss!!

Day 6

Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11

I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12

I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has

become dangerous...

Day 13

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bas*ard.

Day 14

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15

I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did.

Day 16

The bas*ard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18

He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

[Blown BA]

Read through and then see answers below:-

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

Answers:-

1. a dentist

2. a wedding ring

3. peanut butter

4. chewing gum

5. an elevator

6. a nose

7. a newspaper boy

8. a glove

9. a crane

10. a toothbrush, of course

[Blown BA]

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied;

2) that there was plenty of heat;

3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

[Dagabond]

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favourite moment of the week. When one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city, It just wasn't quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their firm.

One day she overheard the remaining three talking at the coffee table about their golf round. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.

The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but eventually agreed this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there at either 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant companion for the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. But this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbour a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part.

Finally she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle that none of them could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse after their round, she joined them for a couple beers which helped the conversation loosen up. All three guys were shaking their heads at her ability. Finally one of the men couldn't contain his curiosity any longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to play right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical."

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"

She said, "Well, then I'm fifteen minutes late."

[Dagabond]

Blonde LOGIC Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????"

CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

ELGIN A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

Dear Diary, Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kinds, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around and around! Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year - namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back. Guess I won that....

[Blown BA]

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her

students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a

prominent family, and during a dinner for two, you needed to go to the

toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Johnny replied, "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

So Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

The teacher passed out.

[Blown BA]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to

> go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under

> the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you

> a check."

>

> "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But,

> whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT,

> DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

>

> When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he

> discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she

> had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go

> about his work.

>

> The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant

> yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself

> any longer and yelled,

>

> "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

>

> To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"