Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

Bart's Chalkboard Gags

Season 1

I will not waste chalk

I will not skateboard in the halls

I will not burp in class

I will not instigate revolution

I will not draw naked ladies in class

I did not see Elvis

I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"

Garlic gum is not funny

They are laughing at me, not with me

I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom

Season 2

I will not encourage others to fly

I will not fake my way through life

Tar is not a plaything

I will not Xerox my butt

It's potato, not potatoe

I will not trade pants with others

I am not a 32 year old woman

I will not do that thing with my tongue

I will not drive the principal's car

I will not pledge allegiance to Bart

I will not sell school property

I will not cut corners

[Trumpy]

Joke Of The Day..

SEE HERE

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[Blown BA]

Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.

Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.

She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.

For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:

"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."

Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

[Blown BA]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my *beep*."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot!You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[mbjunior99]

:lol: :lol: What more can you say!!

[Blown BA]

Grandpa, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. He

didn't move, just sat with his head down staring at his hands. When I sat down

beside him he didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered

if he was OK. Finally, not really wanting to disturb him but wanting to check on him

at the same time, I asked him if he was OK. He raised his head and looked at me and smiled. Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking, he said in a clear

strong voice. I didn't mean to disturb you, grandpa, but you were just sitting here

staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK I explained to him.

Have you ever looked at your hands he asked. I mean really looked at your hands? I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over,

palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my

hands as I tried to figure out the point he was making.

Grandpa smiled and related this story:

Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. These hands, though wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and

embrace life.

They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. They dried the tears of my children and caressed the love of my life. They held my rifle and wiped my tears when I went off to war. They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent.

They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special. They wrote the letters home and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse and walked my daughter down the aisle. Yet, they were strong and sure when I dug my buddy out of a foxhole and lifted a plow off of my best friends foot. They have held children, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand.

They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest

of my body. They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw.

And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer. These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of my life. But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ. I will never look at my hands the same again. But I remember God reached out and took my grandpa's hands and led him home. When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my children and wife I think grandpa. I know he has been stroked and caressed and held by the hands of

God. I, too, want to touch the face of God and feel his hands upon my face. Prayer Wheel

Let's see the devil stop this one!

[Macktheknife]

An American black woman goes to visit her Gynocologist for a general check.

The Doc asks her in detail about her health then asks her to go behind the curtain to the examination table and to disrobe.

He conducts his examination, seemingly from all angles, and with lots of umming and areing.

Finally, he tells the woman that he cant really see anything wrong and that she is quite normal.

She says "well what was all that umming and areing about"?

He says "Oh that was nothing. I've just got a new black lounge and I wanted to see what it would look like with pink cushions"

[Dagabond]

New Dog Breeds

Collie + Lhasa Apso

Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow

Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter

Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso

Peekasso, an abstract dog

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever

Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound

Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog

Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador

Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer

Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute

Commute, a dog that travels to work

Bull Terrier + ShihTzu

Oh, never mind....

[Dagabond]

Bart's Chalkboard Gags Cont...

Season 3

I am not a dentist

Spitwads are not free speech

Nobody likes sunburn slappers

High explosives and school don't mix

I will not bribe Principal Skinner

I will not squeak chalk (Chalk squeaks as he writes)

I will finish what I sta

"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender

I will not fake rabies

Underwear should be worn on the inside

The Christmas Pageant does not stink

I will not torment the emotionally frail

I will not carve gods

I will not spank others

I will not aim for the head

I will not barf unless I'm sick

I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty

I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge

I will not conduct my own fire drills

Funny noises are not funny

I will not spin the turtle

I will not snap bras

I will not fake seizures

Season 4

This punishment is not boring and pointless

My name is not Dr. Death

I will not defame New Orleans

I will not prescribe medication

I will not bury the new kid

I will not teach others to fly

I will not bring sheep to class

A burp is not an answer

Teacher is not a leper

Coffee is not for kids (Each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scrawl)

I will not eat things for money

I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call

The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee

I will not call the principal "spud head"

Goldfish don't bounce

Mud is not one of the 4 food groups

No one is interested in my underpants

I will not sell miracle cures

I will return the seeing-eye dog

I do not have diplomatic immunity

I will not charge admission to the bathroom

Season 5

I will never win an Emmy

The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy

All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy

I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause

I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers

My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man

I will not go near the kindergarten turtle

I am not delightfully saucy

Organ transplants are best left to the professionals

The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones

There are plenty of businesses like show business

I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun

Season 6

Beans are neither fruit nor musical

I will not use abbrev.

I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.

I will not send lard through the mail

I will not dissect things unless instructed

I will not whittle hall passes out of soap

Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough

Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal

"Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice

Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does

Next time it could be me on the scaffolding

I will not hang donuts on my person

I will remember to take my medication

I will not strut around like I own the place

The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far

I do not have power of attorney over first graders

Nerve gas is not a toy

I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface

The First Amendment does not cover burping

This is not a clue...or is it?

Season 7

I will not complain about the solution when I hear it

"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism

No one wants to hear from my armpits

I am not a lean mean spitting machine

The boys room is not a water park

Indian burns are not our cultural heritage

Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things

I will only do this once a year (referring to clip shows)

I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist

I am not certified to remove asbestos

Season 8

I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten

I am not my long-lost twin

The truth is not out there

I am not licensed to do anything

I will not hide the teacher's Prozac

A fire drill does not demand a fire

[Dagabond]

Bart's Chalkboard Gags Part 3...

Season 9

I no longer want my MTV

Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story

I did not invent Irish dancing

I will not tease Fatty

There was no Roman god named "Farticus"

Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related

Shooting paintballs is not an art form

Pain is not the cleanser

Silly String is not a nasal spray

I was not told to do this

My butt does not deserve a website

I will not demand what I'm worth

I will not mess with the opening credits (This appeared in place of the couch opening; the rest of the family runs into the classroom)

I am not the new Dalai Lama

I was not the inspiration for "Kramer"

Season 10

I will not file frivolous lawsuits

"butt.butt" is not my E-mail address

No one cares what my definition of "is" is

I will not scream for ice cream

I am not a licensed hairstylist

"The President did it" is not an excuse

My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld

Sherri does not "got back"

I will not do the Dirty Bird

No one wants to hear about my sciatica

Hillbillies are people too

Grammar is not a time of waste

It does not suck to be you

I cannot absolve sins

A trained ape could not teach gym

Loose teeth don't need my help

I have neither been there nor done that

I am so very tired

Season 11

Fridays are not "pants optional"

Pork is not a verb

I am not the last Don

I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize

I won't not use no double negatives

I can't see dead people

I will not sell my kidney on eBay