Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

Little Johnny's father decided it was time for 14 yr. old Little Johnny to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor.

He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.

The madam says, "You've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally."

So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering.

Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure."

Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Little Johnny, don't you remember me?"

"Yes, Ma'am, " Little Johnny stammers, "you're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

[Dagabond]

The Farmer's Dayvorce

The farmer went into a lawyer's office and said, "I want one of them there dayvorces."

The lawyer said, "Do you have grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I have 140 acres."

The lawyer said, "No you don't understand. Do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I have a John Deere."

The lawyer said, "You still don't understand. Do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yes, that's what I park my John Deere under every night."

The lawyer said, "You still don't understand. Do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I wear it to church every Sunday."

The lawyer said, "Does she beat you up?"

The farmer said, "No, we both get up about 4:30 every morning."

The lawyer said, "Is she a nagger?"

The farmer said, "No, she's a little ol' white gal, but the last youngen' she had was a nagger. That's why I want a dayvorce."

[Turbo6man]

It was Billy Bob and Mary Jane's big day. All the families were gathered around and the ceremony and reception went like a house on fire. It wasn't until the nuptials were about to be consumated that the trouble began. You see, Mary Jane was very hesitant, I mean veeery hesitant and Billy Bob didn't know what to do. He tried cajoling her and caressing her but to no avail. She was locked up tighter than a fish's ass at 50 fathoms. Finally, she blurted out "I'm soo sorry Billy Bob, I really do love you and I want you to love me and I want everything to be just perfect for us but I'm just sooo scared because I've never done this before".

Well Billy Bob just jumped right outa bed and into his pickup and drove straight home to Ma and Pa's. As he pulled into the drive his Pa comes running out "What in tarnation's the matter boy?" he asks. "You are supposed to be on your honeymoon with your new bride, not at home here with us!" Billy Bob breaks down, tears welling in his eyes and he cries out, "Pa, it's Mary Jane, she's a VIRGIN! and I don't know what to do!"

Well son, you done the right thing to come straight back home as soon as you found out - if she ain't good enough for her own family she sure as heck ain't good enough for ours!"

[Blown BA]

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't

let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother

appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a

diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will

turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes

and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella

shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm

was supposed to turn into a

pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.

He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no

prince with that kind of power!

Tell me his name!"

Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, ..

Peter, Peter, something or other..."

[Blown BA]

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

breas*s don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[Blown BA]

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur - Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound

Cogito, ergo sum.

I think, therefore I am.

Cogito, ergo doleo.

I think, therefore I am depressed.

Die dulci freure.

Have a nice day.

Raptus regaliter.

Royally screwed.

Sona si Latine loqueris.

Honk if you speak Latin.

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.

I have a catapult. Give me all your money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.

I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Noli me vocate, ego te vocabo.

Don't call me, I'll call you.

Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules.

If I were you, I wouldn't walk in front of any catapults.

Canis meus id comedit.

My dog ate it.

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.

Re vera, potas bene.

Say, you sure are drinking alot.

Utinam barbari spatioum proprium tuum invadant!

May barbarians invade your personal space!

Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant!

May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!

Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!

May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!

Radix lecti

Couch potato

Non sum pisces.

I am not a fish.

Quo signo nata es?

What's your sign?

Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.

You know, the Romans invented the art of love.

Magister Mundi sum!

I am the Master of the Universe

Fac me cocleario vomere!

Gag me with a spoon!

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.

I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Nihili est -- in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.

That's nothing; in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.

Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.

Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.

Vescere bracis meis.

Eat my shorts.

Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!

Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business!

Fac ut vivas.

Get a life.

Insula Gilliganis

Gilligan's Island

Ut si!

As if!

Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.

Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.

Non illigitamus carborundum.

Don't let the B******s grind you down

Stecorem pro cerebro habes

You have s**t for brains

[Dagabond]

Old Irish Catholic Joke.

The Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.Upon her return at

Christmas her father cussed her; "Where have you been all this time, you

ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you

were doing? Why didn't you call? Don't you know what you put your Mum

through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a

prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to

this family - I don't ever want to see you again!" "OK, Dad - as you wish. I

just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten

bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For

my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new

Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a

lifetimemembership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation

for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera,

and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad... "

"Oh! Be Jaysus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a

Protestant'. Come here and give your auld dad a hug!"

[Dagabond]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"

Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.

"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"

I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her........

[wicksy]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Blown BA]

A man went to the tattoo parlor and had the words "yes"

and "no" tattooed on his pen*s. When he got home that

night, he approached his wife in their bedroom. He stripped

off his pants and shorts, revealing his aroused organ and

its new tattoo.

"What do you think, honey?" he asked his wife.

Very deliberately she said, "You tell me how to cook, you tell

me how to clean the house, you tell me how to do the laundry

... and now you're going to put words in my mouth?"