Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later..

The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

[Dagabond]

Redneck Letter To Son

Dear Son,

I’m writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas Family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you’re an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother ...

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

[Dagabond]

Dirty Johnny father walks into the bathroom and catches him jerking off.

He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby."

The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again.

Johnny says, "Bow your head, Pop. Can't you see we're having a funeral?"

[Dagabond]

A lady's sick of her husband's drinking, so she decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and when her husband walks in from being out all night, she jumps out from behind the sofa and screams.

He says, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister."

[Dagabond]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that God damn gun...'"

[Dagabond]

A guy leaves the bar, so his wife won't get pissed off at him for drinking after work. When he gets home, he finds his boss in bed with his wife. He goes back to the bar and tells the story to the bartender.

The bartender says, "Man, that sucks. What did you do?"

The guy says, "I ran out the door and came back here. f*ck, they were just getting started, so I figured, I got time for at least a couple more beers."

[DallasQLD]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive

double-pane energy efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work

had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I

am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told

me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I

haven't heard back?

Guess I won that stupid argument.

[Guest TRACK]

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep and sunburned his Johnson. Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot blonde, so, he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.

The young man's date a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast. After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk.

With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed, "SO, THAT'S HOW YOU LOAD THOSE THINGS!"

[turb06]

Here are some crazy laws some countries have

In Lebanon men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the

animals must be female.

Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Bahrain a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is

prohibited from

Looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their

reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also

applies to the undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be

covered with a brick of a piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind"!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside

and

deflower young virgins who pay them for the privilege of having sex for

the first time.

Reason: Under Guam law it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the

world that even comes close to this?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Hong Kong a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous

husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit

lover on the other hand may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!) THIS IS MY FAVOURITE!!!! VK

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in

tropical

fish stores.

(But of course!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband and the

first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the

act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman

and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this

law!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Maryland it is illegal to sell condoms from a vending machines with

one

exception:

Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places

where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Well...........not as great as Guam!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own

weight,

and always falls over on it's right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ..?)

(Did the government pay for this research??)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

(I know some people like that)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that too)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And, the best for last:

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

[Blown BA]

A guy asks his friend Bubba, a ladies' man, how he satisfies women.

"I just slam my pen*s on the dresser until it's numb, then I can go for hours," says Bubba.

That night the guy slams his unit on the dresser while his wife's in the bathroom.

She calls out, "Bubba, is that you?"