Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex with you.

2. Nope, no more booze for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing!

[Blown BA]

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1.) Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not what to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2.) Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie & some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik & topped off with a Kit-Kat all after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3.) Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4.) Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm sober? Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented?

5.) Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I do actually know that person. Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you & why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??

6.) Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water,vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan.

[Dagabond]

911 Calls

The following exchanges are taken from transcripts of 911 calls.

Caller: "I'd like to make a unanimous complaint, so don't use my name."

Caller: "I'm reporting a deer on the road. I almost hit it."

Call-taker: "Is the deer alive?"

Caller: "Oh, no, it's run over. Many, many cars. Again and again, and - OH NO!!! NOT AGAIN!"

Caller: "Am I talking to a real person, or this a recording?"

Caller: "We might (cough) need the fire department here (cough)."

Caller: "Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital, or does the ambulance have to do it?"

Caller: (irate) "That's 'W' as in Williams and 'Y' as in why."

Caller (on realising the police are on the way): "Get the keg outta here, dude!"

Caller: "He's not breathing!"

Call-taker: "Can you get the phone close to him?"

Caller: "WHY? You want to hear he's not breathing, too?"

Call-taker: "Does she have any weapons?"

Caller: "Well, she has real long finger nails."

Call-taker: "We'll need a description of him."

Caller: "He's a lawyer."

Caller: "No, she just didn't fall...I helped her!"

Complaint about a stolen mailbox:

Call-taker: "What is your address?"

Caller: "It's gone."

Caller: "I'm scared, I just got a Ouija board for my birthday, and now there's writing on my wall and I can't get it off......this thing is going back to K-Mart first thing in the morning!

[Dagabond]

Bartlett is on a picnic and has to take a dump, so he heads out into the bushes.

He's just dropped his pants when a girl pokes her head out of a bush and says, "Hi there, pal. Can I take advantage of you?"

Bartlett says, "Sure."

She leans over, grabs his shirttail, and wipes her ass with it.

[Dagabond]

The private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5

What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6

Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11

I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12

I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but hestill keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bas*ard.

Day 14

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15

I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f*ck himself and he did.

Day 16

The bas*ard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18

He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

[MISSXR]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm and says, "I'd like to buy a

horth" to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?' asks the owner. "A female horth", the dwarf

replies, so the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?". So the owner picks

up the dwarf to let him see her eyes.

Nithe eyth," says the dwarf, "can I thee her teeth?". Again, the owner

picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's

teeth. "Nithe teeth, can I thee her eerth?", the dwarf asks.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again he picks up the dwarf

to show him the horse's ears.

"Nith eerth," he says, "now can I thee her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina and holds him there for a second before pulling him out and setting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says,

"Perhaps I should weefwaze that . . . . can I see her wun awound?"

:lol:

[Blown BA]

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to

him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said,

"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show

you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the

ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an

almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she

managed to gasp,

"What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

[Blown BA]

SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up

behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying,

"Lie to me!

Lie to me!"

[Blown BA]

She goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!

"GRAB MY breas*s! GRAB MY breas*s!"

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,

"GRAB MY breas*s! GRAB MY breas*s!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY breas*s GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!

Her money was instantly refunded.

[Dagabond]

A ninety-year-old guy is walking by a lake when he hears, "Hi, there."

He looks down, and it's a bullfrog.

He picks it up, and the frog says, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

The old guy unzips his bag, puts in the frog, and starts to zip it back up.

The frog says, "What are you doing?"

The old guy says, "At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."