Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

These three men went out for a drive in the country and their car broke down, so they went to the nearest farmhouse to ask for shelter for the night. "Sure lads," said the farmer. "You can spend the night here, but you've got to sleep with one of my daughters, 'cause they don't get much company out here." The three men were of course more than happy to oblige.

The following morning, the men went on their way and the farmer called his daughters together. "Linda, why were you laughing last night?"

"Because it tickled Daddy."

"Susie, why were you crying?"

"Because it hurt Daddy."

"Lizzie, why was YOUR room so QUIET?"

"That's because you always told me not to talk with my mouth full."

[Blown BA]

A retired school teacher finally realized that she was tired of living alone and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought, she decided to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot with which she could conduct some civilized conversation. This seemed a good idea, so she bought the parrot and went home. She sat him on a perch in her living room and said, "Say 'Pretty Boy'". Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say 'Pretty Boy'.....'Pretty Boy'." At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh sh*t!" Shocked, the school teacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes "Lay off for Christ's sake would you!" said the parrot. Outrage, the woman grabbed the bird and said, "That's it! Ten minutes in the freezer for you!" and slammed the door on him. Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a frozen turkey waiting for Christmas. Startled, he squawks, "My God, YOU must have told the old lady to go f*ck herself!!"

[Blown BA]

One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'pen*s' in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for a guily face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began class.

The next day, she went into the room, she noticed in large letters the word 'pen*s' again; this time written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's larger than the previous one. Finally one day, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

[JB]

A beautiful, well endowed, young lady went to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looked about the store, she noticed a box full of frogs. The sign said: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!

Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looked around to see if anybody was watching her and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nodded, grabbed the box, and quickly went home. As soon as she closed the door to her apartment, she read the instructions thoroughly and carefully.

Then she followed the instructions to the letter:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice-smelling perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog in the bed.

She quickly got into bed with the frog. To her surprise, nothing happened.

The girl was totally frustrated and quite upset. She reread the instructions and noticed that, at the bottom of the page, there was a note.

It said, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the lady called the pet store. The man said, "I had some other complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."

Within five minutes, the man was ringing her doorbell.

The lady welcomed him and said, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picked up the frog, stared directly into its eyes, and sternly said, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

[Blown BA]

One day this man woke up to find that he had three bright red circles around the base of his pen*s. Panicked, he rushed to the doctor, thinking that he had contracted some new kind of herpes or VD. The doctor was just as puzzled by the symptoms, gave the man a course of anti-biotics and told him to come back in a week if the rings didn't clear up.

A week later, the fellow was back in the doctor's surgery, but the second dose had no effect either. On his third visit, the doctor told him to try various creams, soaps and lotions. The next day, the patient was back. "It worked! It worked!" he announced ecstatically.

"Oh really? And what did you use to get rid of the rings?" asked the doctor sceptically. "Lipstick remover."

[Blown BA]

A man is walking down the street when he is approached by a prostitute. "For $200, I'll perform any act for you," she tells him, "provided that you can describe the act in 3 words."

The man thinks about the offer for less than a moment and gives the woman $200. "OK, tell me what you want me to do but remember, only in three words," she tells him.

The man, who has been quiet throughout the exchange says, "Paint my house."

[Blown BA]

A college professor has a reputation for offending women in his anthro- pology classes, so a bunch of students got together and agreed to walk out the next time it happened.

The next week, while discussing an obscure African tribe, the professor leered and said, "Do you know that the men over there have penises twelve inches long?"

With that, the students rose and headed for the door, adhering to their boycott agreement.

"Oh, come on girls," snickered the professor, "the plane doesn't leave till Sunday."

[aniken]

Gender of Inanimate Objects

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tyre -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated. (now keep you comments to yourselves!!!)

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[aniken]

Two blondes are in Australia.

One blonde asks the other: "Which is further, London or the Moon?"

The other replies: "HELLOOOOO, can you see London from here?????!!!!!"

[aniken]

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11am, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m.

on Sundays.

So a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11am, all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the outlet for the vacuum cleaner.