Joke Of The Day

[Falchoon]

Flight attendant ofthe year

Before takeoff...

Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San  Francisco.

If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place.  If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening.

We'd like to tell you now about some important safety  features of this aircraft. The most important safety  feature we have aboard this plane is...The Flight Attendants. Please  look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the  front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're  seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your  feet. That would be a really bad idea.

Please take a  moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows  of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits.   White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the  exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy  things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and  mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but  there's oxygen there, promise. If you are sitting next to a small child,  or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a  favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more  children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your  favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way  down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the  safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm  having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has  pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it  now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are  fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane --  HELLO!!

There are two smoking sections on this flight, one  outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking  sections tonight.... hold on, let me check what it is .. Oh here it is;  the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.

There is no smoking  in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the  lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights,  and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the  dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow  button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't  press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button  is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on  board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us  your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make  you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all  weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?

After landing...

Welcome to the  San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the  asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate.  So please don't even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."

[KEN 24T]

I think I've been on that flight, Falchoon ... :lol:

[Cro]

One of my flights to Melbourne, that flight attendant said: "If anyone has been found to be smoking on this flight they will be made to sit outside on the wing and have a think about what they just done".

Was pretty funny at the time.

[KEN 24T]

One of the funny ones I actually hear was:

"The cabin lights will now be dimmed to enhance the beauty of your flight attendants."

At which point, I swear a male attented blushed.

... must have been on QUAINT-ARSE :lol:

[KEN 24T]

Blokeness test (How Aussie)

Answer all Questions and Total your Score

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.

You decide to:

a. Present it to the Prime Minister.

b. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.

c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what is it about your lost youth that you miss the most?

a. Innocence.

b. Idealism.

c. Those little fart machines made out of cardboard, metal washers & elastic bands.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.

b. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)

c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.

b. A dog.

c. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy - you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers - when suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.

b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.

c. That you cannot believe Mick Malthouse burst into tears at the end of the Grand Final.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her. How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.

c. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school.

Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"

b. "They're in school already?"

c. "There are three of them?"

8. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.

b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.

c. He refused to ask directions.

9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.

b. Religion.

c. Beer.

Give yourself points for each answer as follows:-

a = 1, b = 2, c = 3.

Ratings:-

24 27 points: Maaate!

15 23 points: You need to take a long hard look at yourself, son!

9 14 points: Poofter!

[Cro]

Maaate!

Not bad for a wog boy :D

[HellionXR6T]

Not bad Ken. B) Let's just say I fall into the Maate catagory....lol.

[ducatijb]

This is just too funny not to share. Exerted from

an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March

2

Once inside the bank, shortly after midnight their

efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately.

The robbers, who expected to find one or two large

safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of

smaller

safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first

safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla

pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audiotape system, one robber said, "At least

we'll

have a bit to eat. The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also

contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until

all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or

ounce of gold.

Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each

leaving with nothing more than a queasy, comfortably full stomach. The

newspaper

headline read:

Scroll Down

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS

MORNING :D

[Cro]

That is just plain sick!

But it's funny :lol:

[KEN 24T]