Joke Of The Day

[JB]

A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's teenage daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says, "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"

"Yes, both of them!"

[JB]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.

The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,"

The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep sh*t."

[Blown BA]

Billy's father had a lot of guns around the house and was always telling Billy things about guns and how to take care of them, etc. Well, one day Billy was in the tub masturbating, and his mother walked in just as he was ejaculating. She stormed out, and Billy chased after her, saying, "I wasn't playing with myself! I was just cleaning it and it went off!"

[Blown BA]

There was an elderly couple who wanted to have a child. They went to the doctor, and the doctor told them they were rather old to have a child, but he decided to test the man for a sperm count anyway. He gave them a jar to take home and told the man to produce a sperm sample and bring the bottle back to the office.

Two days later, the couple went back to the doctor's office. The man told the doctor there was a problem. "I tried with my right hand, and then I tried with his left hand, but no results," he said. "Then my wife tried with her right hand and also her left hand, and she even used her mouth — with her teeth in and her teeth out — but we still couldn't get the lid off the jar."

[Blown BA]

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:

1/. Not everyone who drops sh*t on you is your enemy.

2/. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.

3/. And when you're in deep sh*t, keep your mouth shut.

[Turbo6man]

Oh so true ...

[Blown BA]

This is a true story about a answer phone message left in the newsroom of a local radio station, by a listener who was phoning back regarding her bird box in the garden.

"Tell Roy that I have washed my box with a mild detergent and I am hopeful that my *beep* will return before the winter. My box is smelling beautifully now, even though I had a problem getting my fingers into the hole, which reminds me that I still have a question regarding size. I am worried that my tit's will be too big to squeeze in, and I wondered if my hole needs to be enlarged and would appreciate any further advice he can give to me."

[Blown BA]

A young man wanted to buy a gift for his girlfriend's birthday, they had not been together very long so he thought long & hard before remembering that on their last date she had complained that her hands were cold. So he decided on a pair of gloves, not too personal at this stage of their relationship, but thoughtful nonetheless.

Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister he went to Harrods & bought a stylish pair of dainty white gloves. At the same time the sister bought a pair of knickers for herself & they both asked for them to be gift wrapped.

Unfortunately the shop assistant mixed the items up and the guy left with

the gift wrapped for his girlfriend's sister & the girlfriend's sister left with the gloves.

The boyfriend, obviously none the wiser, decided to deliver his present

in person. When he arrived at his girlfriends house she wasn't in. So

instead he left the following, thoughtful note along with the present at her front door:

"I hope you like your present, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evenings. Had it not been for your sister I would have chosen some long ones with white buttons, but she wears short ones & they are easier to pull off.

These are a delicate shade & the shop assistant showed me the pair she has been wearing for the past three weeks & they are hardly soiled at all. I had her try on yours & although a little tight they looked really smart. She told me that the material helps keep her ring clean & in fact she hasn't had to wash it since wearing them.

I wish you had been here so that I could have put them on for you as no doubt many hands will touch them before I have the chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them as they will be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will be holding them in my hand over the coming year. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love, Adam. PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing".

[Blown BA]

VCE EXAM - SEXISM STUDIES

TIME ALLOWED 3 HRS. ATTEMPT ALL QUESTIONS.

Section A (50%)

1. Explain why the best women's cricket team in the world wouldn't stand a chance against you and ten of your mates. Include in your answer:

a) Why they throw the ball like spastics and catch crocodile style

b) What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the showers after the match.

2. Pamela Anderson's *beep* are plastic but look good in photographs. Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real *beep* for recreational purposes.

3. It is a long established fact that fat chicks are more grateful for it. Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all feminists are fat, ugly lesbians or Compare and contrast video lesbians with those you have encountered in real life.

4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched at your mate's house while his parents were away for the weekend.

a) White Water Shafting

b) Three Into One Will Go

c) King Dong

d) Speared by Zulu Lovers

Include in your discussion a justification for such films to be considered "art-house" rather than pornographic.

5. Women drivers, eh? Discuss.

Section B (50%)

1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart. What apparatus would you require? What risks would you run in lighting a fart and what are the benefits? Write a balanced chemical equation to describe the reaction that takes place when an eggy fart is lit in a pub with a match.

2. Name something a woman has invented.

3. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor granddad who worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he retired.

4 Discuss the philosophical implications of this statement: "If a man speaks in a forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?"

[Dagabond]

Cats and dogs

What is a Cat?

1) Cats do what they want.

2) They rarely listen to you.

3) They're totally unpredictable.

4) They whine when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.

They're moody.

9) They leave hair everywhere.

10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4) They growl when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to play.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They are great at begging.

They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

9) They leave their toys everywhere.

10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: Dogs are men in little fur coats.