Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

1Liners

* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

* Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

* I intend to live forever - so far, so good

* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

* If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

* Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

* If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

* Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

* Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

* Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

* OK, so what's the speed of dark?

* Black holes are where God divided by zero.

* All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

* I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

[Dagabond]

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a

chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.

The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the

engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical

engineer.

"Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might

be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.

"I thought it might be a grounding problem," says the electrical

engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer, who had said nothing: "Well, what

do you think?"

"Ummm--how about if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"

[Dagabond]

The "Politically Correct" Days of Christmas...

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my

Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to

me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of

members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for

in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a

note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal

ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products

from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic

incarceration,

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw

red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge

have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further

Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses

and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh, heck!

Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law) *

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder

(SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for

celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

[Dagabond]

WHY DO FULL-LENGTH GOLF COURSES HAVE 18 HOLES, AND NOT 20, OR 10 OR AN EVEN DOZEN?

During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.

[Dagabond]

20 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. If anybody cares how you dance, feel sorry for them. They need to get a life andlearn how to have fun. And notice that people who dance and cut loose once in a while, usually live longer.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

19. Don't think that because a person is having fun, they are drinking to excess. Some people have fun naturally given the moment and you need to find out how they do it.

20. Your friends love you anyway.

[Dagabond]

25 GOOD BITS OF WISDOM FOR OUR TIME

(1) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."

* Steven Seagal

(2) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

* Jeff Foxworthy

(3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

* Drew Carey

(4) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

*Dave Barry

(5) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"

*Marilyn Pittman

(6) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"

(7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."

* Paula Poundstone

( "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "duh."

*Conan O'Brien

(9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. I could be eating a slow learner."

* Lynda Montgomery

(10) "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner."

* Roseanne

(11) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

* Richard Jeni

(12) "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

* Johnny Carson

(13) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

* Paul Rodriguez

(14) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."

* Jerry Seinfeld

(15) "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

* Warren Hutcherson

(16) "Bigamy is having one wife / husband too many. Monogamy is the same."

*Oscar Wilde

(17) "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."

* Mae West

(18) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . But I repeat myself."

* Mark Twain

(19) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

* A. Whitney Brown

(20) "Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet,"

* Robin Williams

(21) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

* Roseanne

(23) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"

* Dave Barry

(24) "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."

* George Carlin

(25) "When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."

[Dagabond]

30 WAYS TO CONFUSE SANTA CLAUS:

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note

explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a

speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the

holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact

replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them

to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes

crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big,

red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs

that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus

called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of

bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney.

Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as

he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed

that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a

note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. " Leave another plate out

with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty

glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed.

When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say,

"Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes

and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed

wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to

see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red

nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map

with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to

get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a

distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in

the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like

you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Cut a big hole in your roof and cover it with a blanket, so that

when Santa tries to land on your roof his sleigh crashes into your

living room. Explain that you've been having problems with

termites.

21. Set up your living room to look like a workshop, and have people

dressed up like elves making toys. When Santa comes, sneer and

say, "What's the matter? Afraid of a little competition?"

22. While he's on the roof, yell up to Santa, asking if he'll mind

adjusting your TV antenna. When he does so, tell him, "That's

good" and don't let him move until the "commercial" comes on.

23. Put on a giant tree costume, and wear a sign that says,

"Man-eating Tree - Stay Back." When Santa comes, wave your arms

angrily and chase him back up the chimney.

24. Shovel all the snow off of your roof, and replace it with whipped

cream. Just when Santa is remarking how cute this is, light a

bunch of firecrackers and throw them onto the roof. The explosions

should make quite a mess, and maybe scare the reindeer away, too.

If so, offer to loan Santa your car.

25. Scatter the parts of a disassembled bicycle around your living

room. Get Santa to help you put it together.

26. Make your own stockings to hang over the fireplace. Have pictures

on them of things like Santa getting hit in the head with a large

rock, or Santa catching his beard on fire.

27. Put a note that says, "For Santa" on a can that's labelled "Rat

Poison." Cross out the words "Rat Poison" and write "Yummy Cookies."

28. When Santa comes, act like you're wrapping Christmas presents.

Have boxes that say things on them like "Dead Elf" or "Human

Skull." If Santa asks, explain that they're for needy children.

29. Set up bowling pins in front of your fireplace. When Santa comes

down the chimney, throw the ball at him. Angrily tell him to get

out of your lane.

30. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come, and then

put up your fists and say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for

the both of us."

[Dagabond]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a

five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor

asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round

of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one

of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and

lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...

stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my

mistake."

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,

"Hey, this looks like yours!"

[Dagabond]

APPLICATION FOR JERRY SPRINGER SHOW

Simply fill in this application to go on the Jerry

Springer Show:

Last name: ________________

First name: (Tick appropriate box)

(_) Billy-Bob

(_) Billy-Joe

(_) Billy-Ray

(_) Billy-Sue

(_) Billy-Mae

(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?

(_) Booger

(_) Bubba

(_) Junior

(_) Sissy

(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

_____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Farmer

(_) Mechanic

(_) Hair Dresser

(_) Unemployed

(_) Dirty Politician

(_) Preacher

Spouse's Name:_________________________

2nd Spouse's Name:______________________

3rd Spouse's Name:______________________

Lover's Name:___________________________

Relationship with spouse: (Tick appropriate box)

(_) Sister

(_) Brother

(_) Aunt

(_) Uncle

(_) Cousin

(_) Mother

(_) Father

(_) Son

(_) Daughter

(_) Pet

Number of children living in household:_____

Number of children living in shed: ______

Number that are yours: ______

Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure,

leave blank)

Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure,

leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___

Number of vehicles that still crank: ___

Number of vehicles in front yard: ___

Number of vehicles in back yard: ___

Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck

____ bedroom

____ bathroom

____ kitchen

____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196_

Do you have a gun rack?

If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_) The National Enquirer

(_) The Globe

(_) TV Guide

(_) Soap Opera Digest

(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____

Number of times in the last 5 years

you've seen Elvis:_____

Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:

(_) Weekly

(_) Monthly

(_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:

Right_____ left_____

Color of hair:

(_) Blond

(_) Black

(_) Red

(_) Brown

(_) White

(_) Clairol

Color of teeth:

(_) Yellow

(_) Brownish-Yellow

(_) Brown

(_) Black

(_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_) 1 mile

(_) 2 miles

(_) Just a whoop-and-a-holler!

(_) road?

[Dagabond]

Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting

Group

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for

an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would enjoy

galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of and competence in

the Force or demonstrate a willingness to learn. Duties included:

Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of

the Sith Master's planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy

widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and

high-powered space/air vehivles. Some slaying of the enemies of the Dark

Side is also required, which may be performed by using the Force or hand

weapons.

Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially

when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented

individuals and risk takers. A background in the study of the Force (light

or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with

advanced degrees or significant coursework in Jedi Arts from the University

of Coruscant.

Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment,

possess a valid galactic pilot's license for all classes of ships, and must

show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of

using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable as

is the ability to speak several galactic languages.

Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other

living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire

would be give several weeks to meet this requirement.) Compensation for

this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive

for the field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company

starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance.

The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master

and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the

success of the Master's plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the

ability to see the future before it happens.

Applications will be accepted through the end of August. Transmit them

holographically to Jobs@darkside.com.

(Dark Side CG is a small and highly-focused organization founded a

long time ago. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of

harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of

controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations

though knowledge management, incident control and our rapid on-site

intervention expertise.)