Joke Of The Day

[Falchoon]

the dags dictionary

Abbacadabra (ab ba' kad a bra) n. The phenomenon whereby an Abba song miraculously appears in every Australian movie.

Abdomino effect (ab' do mi noe ef ekt) n. Descriptive of the way a group of male friends gradually gets fatter, as each bloke in turn lets himself go.

Ad nausea (ad nor' zia) n. When watching the cricket on TV, the feeling you get after having seen twenty-three ads in a row during the lunch break.

Airfauxbics (ayr' fo biks) n. Any sequence of stretching exercises designed to cover the fact that the person at whom you just waved turned out to be a complete stranger.

Source: Richard Glovers list of words that should exist - but don't

[JB]

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.

She picked a little boy to do the first test.

She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

[JB]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

********POOF****** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.

*******POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

******POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached .

[Blown BA]

While I was driving down the freeway the other day, (going a >>little faster than I should have been) I passed under a overpass only to see a "boy in blue" on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked "Runway too short ?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work." To which he asked, "What do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop was surprised and confused. "A what ? A rectum stretcher ??"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot ars*h*le ?" To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: $ 180.00

Court costs: $ 65.00

Look on copper's face ... Priceless.

[Blown BA]

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they

aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams.

I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never

will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do,

he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr.

Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the

bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt of court."

[Blown BA]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to

place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of

underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband

demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the

sake of decency, here's £30. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her

skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's

£20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt

over her head to reveal that she, t! oo, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd

any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o

Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[Falchoon]

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical

exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the

doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no

problems. I did notice one abnormality, however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I`d like to write this up for The American Journal of Medicine if you don`t mind."

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied, "We`re called..." (I almost hate to do this to you) "The Indiannippleless Five Hundred!"

[!Spook!]

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

[Blown BA]

Quality not quantity is what we're after Blown BA

You do your stuff STEGGALS and l'll do mine

[Blown BA]

little billy prayed every night before bed.

one day billy's dog bit him so when he prayed he said "protect mommy, daddy, the cat and I dont care what happens to the dog."

the next morning the dog was dead.

the next day the cat scratched billy so when he prayed he said "protect mommy, daddy and I dont care what happens to the cat."

the next morning the cat was dead.

the next day billy's daddy gave him trouble so that night billy prayed and said " Protect mommy and I dont care what happens to daddy."

well daddy heard this and knew what happened to the dog and cat. So he stayed up all night to fight off what ever came to kill him. Daddy got tired so he went to bed.

the next morning he woke up and was fine so as daddy always started his day he went to get the paper he opened the door. What did he see but the milkman was dead.