Joke Of The Day

[Cro]

:lol:

DucatiJB

[NT TURBO]

Sex moves round the house, it starts off passionately in the bedroom, then theres the adventurous stage like the kitchen table, finaly it progress to corridor sex when you just say f@#k you as you pass in the hallway.

[XRSICKT]

After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse, "the first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited.'

"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"

"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

[Falchoon]

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen".

The surprised salesman replies: - "But madam, computers do not have curtains...".

And the blonde said: - "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[XRSICKT]

This is why some of us drive a T

[ducatijb]

How to handle difficult customers

Don't try this at work...it will be guaranteed to get you fired!

If you ever have a difficult situation to manage, you might consider the approach offered by this obviously well trained Customer Service Officer.

Indeed, an award should go to the Ansett Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out".

The passenger was unimpressed.

He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:

"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

[cvanxr]

Help Dad

Sean lived alone in Northern Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Mick,

I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Father,

For GOODNESS SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them BODIES!

Love, Mick

At 4 am the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet. That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologised to the old man and left.

The next day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Father,

Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Mick

And another :D

Flattened frog

A little boy about 12 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a House of ill repute and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?"

Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the Dose that I just caught".

"When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose. Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex,and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and HE'S the bas*ard who ran over my FROG!"

[HellionXR6T]

>Subject: FW: Fw: How to handle difficult customers

  Don't try this at work...it will be guaranteed to get you fired!

LOL,

Ahh I can relate to that.

Customers, if only we didn't have to deal with them.

The IT geeks will appreciate this. Legit call this one.

ISP and workers I know will remain nameless for obvious reasons, the person this points to will never find out as I doubt he would have the intelligence, 1) to love Fords, 2) to actually possess the ability to type in "www.fordxr6turbo.com" in the "Address/Location" field.

To set the scene...There is a power outage effecting over 20 grids in the area.

H (Helpdesk): "Good afternoon, <blah, blah, blah>"........"How can I help you"?

C (Customer): "Why won't my computer turn on"?

H: " Where abouts are you calling from sir"?

C: "From home".

H: "And where about's is home"? "From which Suburb are you calling from"?

C: "<Suburb>".

H: "Are you aware that there is a power outage covering over 20 grids in your area"?

C: "But the power must be back on, it must"!

H: "And how did you come to that conclusion sir"?

C: "Well my car stereo was working just a minute ago"!

OMFG!!!!!! PEOPLE ARE THAT %^(#@()^ STUPID!!!

[Cro]

hehe...

I've heard a different flavour to that.

My pc wont work

H) what happened

The screen went black

H) can you check under your desk to see if you kicked out your power cable

I cant

H) Why is that

It is too dark, the lights blacked out we had a power failure

That is just a shortened one.

[Trumpy]

and after hearing about the blackout, the help desk asks if they still have the box the computer came in.

Customer: Yes I do.

Helpdesk: Can you box it up and send it back to us?

Customer: Why, is it broken?

Helpdesk: No, your just too f**king stupid to own a computer!