Joke Of The Day

[KittyKatSmack]

It seems that National Pie Week....

http://www.safm.com.au/promo/pie_week/info.php

....falls on the same week as National Eating Disorders Week....

http://www.the.inter.net.au/home/awarenessweek

.......this year.

How odd.

[Dagabond]

Revenge!

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

[Falchoon]

93 year old Maggie had just lost her husband of 70 years.

She felt that her life was not worth living anymore and decided to end it all.

Her choice of ending was to shoot herself in the heart, but she had forgotten where her heart was exactly.

So she rang her local GP and asked him to describe where her was located.

“Simple” he said “your heart is located just below your left breast”.

With this knowledge, Maggie got her self organised.

She got a pistol and aimed it where the GP had indicated,

placing the gun below her left breast and…BANG…..poor Maggie,

she shot herself in her left kneecap!!!!!!!!!.

[Blown BA]

A man died with an erection. Unable to bend the rigid member, the

undertaker called the widow, "I'm sorry m'am but your husband's pen*s

is standing straight up and we can't prepare him for viewing like this.

What do you want me to do?"

The widow sighed, "Just cut it off and stick it up his butt."

When the widow came to view husband's body that evening she noticed a

tiny tear in the corner of his eyes. Gently she bent down and whispered

to

him, "See there you, son-of-a-b**ch, I told you that hurt!"

[Blown BA]

An old man marries a young woman, and though they’re in love, the wife can’t achieve an orgasm.

They ask a psychiatrist for advice. He says, “Hire a strapping young man. While you’re making love, have him wave a towel over your bodies.”

The couple’s desperate, so they hire a male escort to wave a towel. But despite a lengthy lovemaking session, the wife still can’t get off. Willing to try anything, the husband and the strapping young stallion switch positions.

The guy goes to work, and the wife quickly has an earthshaking orgasm.

The husband smiles and says triumphantly, “You see, young fella? That’s how you wave a towel!”

[Blown BA]

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie", the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit.

Again, the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again, he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour, Natalie questioned the old man:

"No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give $3,000 to you."

MORAL: Some things in life are certain: taxes, death and being screwed by an attorney.

[JB]

A farmer got pulled over by state trooper Jon for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, trooper Jon got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”

Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are—I never heard of circle flies.”

So the farmer said, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found, circling around the back end of a horse.”

The trooper said, “Oh,” and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stopped and said, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”

“Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”

Trooper Jon said, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and went back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer said, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

[JB]

The Duck

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,

"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?", the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right!", says the landlord.

The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"

[JB]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said,"Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?

"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

[Blown BA]

Tales From The Shire

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"

In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"