Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

What is the difference between a paycheque and a pen*s?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheque!

[Blown BA]

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's *beep* and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's *beep*, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's *beep*. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.

He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's *beep*.

He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:

"Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

[aniken]

A blonde walks into the library.

She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read. It has no plot and far too many characters!"

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks: "So you're the one who took our phone book."

[siccar]

*What do you call a Lebanese country music singer?

Salim Dusty

*What do you call a Lebanese hair dresser?

Ali Baba

*What do you call a pissed Lebo?

Hamed

*What do you call him when he is smashed?

Mohamed

*Why did the Lebo cross the road?

To smash the chicken

*Why did fifty lebos cross the road?

Coz the chicken was winning

*What do you call a hot Lebo?

Asif

*What do you call three Lebo's in a sauna?

Gorillas in the mist

*How many Lebo's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1 to screw it in and the other 9 to say your a sick c%^t

*Where do you hide money from a Lebo?

Under the soap

*Why don't Lebo's wear underwear?

Cause addidas don't make them

*What do you call a Lebo in the middle of the ocean drowning and

screaming for help?

F&*kim

*What do you call a Lebo with a gun?

Ahmed

*How do you get a Lebo out of a shower?

Turn it on

*What do you call a Lebo on a bike?

Ali Davidson :lol:

[Blown BA]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist`s office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There`s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We`re not trying to find out anything. She`s married and we can`t go to her house. I`m married and we can`t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[Blown BA]

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and

exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,

"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh

no", I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I

said, "No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf / sailing

/ ballooning / motorcycling / rock climbing?" "No I don't", I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No", I said. "I have never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a sh*t if you live

to be 80???

[Blown BA]

This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks it's a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep, "I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove."

So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says, "Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here."

The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter. "Anything else," he questions. The hippie replies, "Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove."

Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells, "Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here!"

So the barkeep returns to the hippie. "That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right?" "Yeah," the hippie says, "but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove."

The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie.

"You can kiss my ass! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!"

[siccar]

THE DECLINE OF A NATIVE SPECIES

Westie: Maximumus tightblackjeanus et mulletus.

In the time it takes you to read this, 17 Westies will become extinct.

Westies were first identified as a sub-specie during the mid-70s. The

Westie species is thought to be a close relation of the Bogan species of

Melbourne, the Booner species found in Canberra's eastern suburbs and the

Bevan species spread throughout Brisbane.

Westies may also be known colloquially as 'bushpigs' or 'rumpigs' in

central west NSW or 'aggies' in other parts of the state.

It is believed the initial Sydney population was introduced to habitats

such as Parramatta, Granville and Strathfield from the early 1950s. However by

the mid-1980s, the species had been somewhat driven from their natural but

dangerous homes and had multiplied to plague proportions in the more

breeder-friendly areas of Blacktown, Campbelltown and Penrith. While

authorities considered a culling program, they need not have bothered, as

the regional population began rapid decline from the early-1990s onwards.

The situation has reached crisis point, with Westies rarely sighted in the

inner Sydney area. Westies now cling to the region's outskirts and are

commonly sighted as far north as inland areas of the Central Coast, the

western suburbs of Newcastle such as Wallsend, and in the lower Hunter

Valley region, especially the rural Westie mecca of Kurri Kurri. But

despite these small, often isolated areas of almost exclusively Westie populations,

in the year 2001 the species is now officially endangered.

Some scientists claim identifying the Westie is genetic, whilst others

argue it is a product of nurture. The nurture theory is supported by evidence of

extremely young males being coerced by parents to adopt the junior version

of the mullet - a growth known as "rats-tail".

Males, often known as Wayne or Darren, adopt a dominant status within the

Community, with a vague sense of rank defined by the ownership of an aging

Ford or Expensive Daewoo motor vehicle.

Female Westies, usually named Sharon or Janine, are entrusted with the

raising of multiple offspring, the males of which are commonly referred to

as Jake or Cody, the females Tay-lah or Monique. This is a role the

female. Westie performs from a young age and often without the presence of the

male.

Female Westies do not follow the 'one partner' mating rituals of other

closely related species. Distinguishing male characteristics include tight

black denim covering on the hind limbs and bright flannelette markings on

the forepaws and belly.

Females may be similarly identified through distinctive denim markings,

though the pattern is usually of the "Stonewash" variety. In warmer

weather, females have been known to shed the lower layer of denim from just

below the genital area, resulting in a cut-off effect. Both males and

females have been known to cover their lower hind limbs with furry pouches

called "ugg-boots".

While the wild population of Westies is dwindling, it is still possible to

view them in their natural environment. The species have been known to

congregate around regional shopping centres where family units often come

to settle domestic issues using high-pitched wailing sounds. These are also

the habitats from which Westie families gather their weekly household

needs.

It is a regular ritual, sometimes performed daily, in which the offspring

are directed by their elders to enter large supermarkets, whilst they

supervise proceedings from outside. The youngsters then collect the

requirements and hurriedly leave. The most deeply traditional Westie, as a

general rule, has no concept of the accepted modern-day process of

exchanging monetary funds for their goods. Instead they prefer to secrete

the goods beneath their coverings, or inside pouches or portable transport

devices. Westies most commonly employ devices such as bumbag", "backpack"

and "old pram" in order to secure their goods.

After sunset, younger males and females meet in small dark enclaves known

as RSLs (or "Rissoles") and consume large amounts of liquid called Bourbon.

There are numerous factors attributed to the decline of the local Westie

population. Scientists have identified the popularity of the protective

sheath (or "condom") as a contributing cause, while the development of

adequate social infrastructure (schools, medium density housing) in

traditional Westie enclaves may have fragmented the species. More

controversial theories suggest many Westies may have removed their mullets,

purchased or stolen Cargo Pants and attempted to integrate themselves into

Sydney's mainstream population. Such claims are yet to be substantiated.

At present there seems little hope of restoring the Westie population to

it's previous levels. Recent attempts have including the development of

new artificial habitats, such as an anticipated Westie breeding ground known as

"Albion Grove Estate" near Penrith, but it seems this area may be too far

from the Panthers Leagues Club to attract large numbers of the species.

More successful is an enclosed breeding program called "Macarthur Square",

in which young male and female Westies are domiciled in an extremely

high-density, mostly featureless space, located in Campbelltown and known

to mainstream society as the "shopping centre".

The anticipated outcome is the regular pairing off of Westie couples,

leading to almost instant and repeated mating rituals and resulting in

multiple gestation periods within each three-year breeding cycle.

To date the program has proven highly effective, combining aggression, a

behavioural norm of the Westie male, with such triggers as beer and

occasional displays of female sexuality. A recent local government report

for the first quarter of 2001 announced that, from the 70 Westies invited

to participate in Phase One of the "Macarthur Square" program in late 1997,

some 500 offspring have been produced since August 1998. The number is

encouraging, the report says, though somewhat discouraging is the number of

abortions recorded in the same period, with the local abortion rate rising

by almost 15,000% since the program's inception.

In early 2001, authorities attracted Westie elders AC/DC for a brief visit

and hope to encourage further breeding of new yearlings within the

population. The effects of this effort have yet to be realised.

The Westie really is in dire straits. Please play a part in the

resurrection of this uniquely Australian species. Dig deep and purchase a

flannelette shirt from any participating bottlo, pie shop or Lowes. Shirts

cost just $18 (GST inclusive). $2 from every purchase will be donated to

the 2001 Save The Westie Appeal. Your donation is tax deductible.

Please. Help Save the Westie. Every cent counts.

[Dagabond]

Wifespeak

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset,you moron.

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! and I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? Too late, your dead.

Yes No

No No

Maybe No

I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.

Was that the baby ? Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we're going to buy is a soap dish It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and oh my god there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

in answer to "What's wrong?"

The same old thing. Nothing.

Nothing. Everything.

Everything. My PMS is acting up.

Nothing, really. It's just that you're such an as*hole.

I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up steam.

[Blown BA]

A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.

"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.

"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."