Joke Of The Day

[GlennAUII]

:lol: LMFFAO!!!

[sharkey]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!; This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil b!tches. Don't mess with them

[sharkey]

Things you know because of TV

1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

10. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

11. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

12. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

13. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

14. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

15. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

16. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

17. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

18. All single women have a cat.

19. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

20. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

21. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

22. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

23. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

24. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

25. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

26. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

27. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

28. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

29. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

30. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

31. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

32. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

33. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

34. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

35. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

[Falchoon]

An Japanese-American went to have his eyes checked.

"You have a cataract" the doctor told him.

"No" came the reply, "I have Rincoln Continental."

[BA_Turbs]

DANDENONG SECONDARY COLLEGE - MATHEMATICS EXAM

CITY OF GREATER DANDENONG

MATHEMATICS EXAM

NAME ............................

GANG ............................

Time allowed: 1 hour

1. If Mohamed lowers his WRX two inches front and back and puts on

stolen 18-inch Auscar slotted wheels, how many inches has he lost

from the stock suspension?

2. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors

will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?

3. If Mustaffa runs 10 km from the Police in Noble Park to Springvale

South then steals a car and drives another 5 km to Keysborough,

how many kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in

Parkmore Shopping Centre?

4. Phan has 2 ounces of coke and he sells an "8 ball" to Hamil for

$320.00 and 2 grams to Dak Hoang for $85.00 per gram. What is the

street value of the balance of the coke if he doesn't cut it?

5. If Darren receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from

Centrelink and works for his brother as a builder and receives

a further $400.00 per week and then pays $10.00 per week for

each of his 11 children for school, how much money does he have

left to buy a smashed Tarago from the Keysborough Wreckers?

6. If Soula needs 25ml of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair and

Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is

47?

7. Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of

10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many

drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?

8. If Abdo runs a Doner Kebab shop in Dandy Plaza and works as a Taxi

driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does

Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?

9. If Dandenong's ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per

month, the overall population increasing at 2.1 % per month, at what

rate are the Aussies leaving?

10. Quang is pimping for three girls. If the price is $75.00 for the

trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Quang

can pay for his $200 per day crack habit?

11. If Luigi drives his family and cousins all in one car from

Dandenong North to Hampton Park, how many round trips will he

need to make if 40 of his relatives need a lift and he can put

12 people in his Valiant at any one given time?

12. If Mario's dad has his top 3 buttons of his shirt open and reveals

1 x golden cross and 2 other golden ornaments, and has approximately

17 sq cm of hair coming from his chest with an average length of 2 cm,

what is the probability that the ornaments will be visible from:

a) 2 feet away .....%

b) 5 feet away .....%

c) 100 feet away .....%

END OF EXAM

[Blown BA]

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the sh*t out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,

'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

[Blown BA]

Day1:

A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"

Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 2:

"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"

Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 3:

"We learned about breas*s today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"

Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25.

[Blown BA]

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!"

the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"

"Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda."

"Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.

After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:

PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

[Dagabond]

Top performance review quotes

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't-be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

A gross ignoramus, two hundred times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

Fell out of the family tree.

Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

It's hard to believe he beat out one million other sperm.

One neuron short of a synapse.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

Takes him an hour and a half to watch Sixty Minutes.

Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

His employees would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

[Blown BA]