Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

STATE OF ORIGIN

On a tour of Australia, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a blue NSW jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.

As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing maroon Qld jerseys.

One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious NSW fan from the water.

Then, using the long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatred between QLD and NSW league fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "What was that?"

"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said, "He may have access to God and his wisdom, but he knows f*#k all about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

Gunna burn for this one...... :lol:

[Dagabond]

One for the Collywobble fans.....

[Dagabond]

Lately Weds

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmotherand comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,

He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was disgusting and, anyway, would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

....She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

"He'd still be alive now if the ice cream van hadn't come along,"

[Dagabond]

Wisdom comes with age!

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 years old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied. The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

[Zeke]

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog?

Hey Dags, tell your canine correspondent about the Whippet.....built in Oz I think - 20's or 30's.

[cvanxr]

Idiot Awards for 2003

Number One Idiot of 2003

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at

the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset

because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly

reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no

need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at

the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her

daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her

that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right

away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Number Two Idiot of 2003

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to

steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in

getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for

a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming

towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the

emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't

get it wet; the paint might run.

Number Three Idiot of 2003

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown

Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup.

Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to

give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen

him write the note and might call the police before he reached the

teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the

street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed

his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from

his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor,

told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was

written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either

have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of

America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He

was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at

Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably

couldn't read it anyway.

Number Five Idiot of 2003

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded

all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash

in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the

counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as

well, but the cashier refused and said, because I don't believe you

are over 21. " The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to

give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the

robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the

clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact

over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from

the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and

gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later. This guy definitely needs a

sign!

Idiot Number Six of 2003

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving

revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner

moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a

sign, he probably figured it out himself.

Idiot Number Seven of 2003

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly He decided that he'd

just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some

booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his

head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would

be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor

store window was made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on

videotape. Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign.

Idiot Number Eight of 2003

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked

into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a

gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he

couldn't open the cash register without a food order When the man

ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for

breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote

[cvanxr]

It's me or the Car!

[Falchoon]

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane. After a while the priest asks the rabbi: "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" to which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes and then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[Dagabond]

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

:uziman:

[Macktheknife]

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for  a dog?

Hey Dags, tell your canine correspondent about the Whippet.....built in Oz I think - 20's or 30's.

What about Holdens?

Not only dogs, but real mongrels!....... :lol: