Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

Driving test question

Oh sh*t yehhh

[siccar]

You could bounce coins off that thing.....

Edited 06/07/04 10:02 AM by siccar

[XR6_ED]

Scientific Proof

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over

100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these

questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,

then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and,

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

and, look how far ass kissing will take you:

A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get

you there, Bullsh*t and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!

[JB]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes w ith the order and says, "That will be £12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a litre of milk or Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"

[Blown BA]

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."

[Blown BA]

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[Blown BA]

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia:

She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around a fertile delta.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan:

Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade, especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain:

Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina:

She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia & Argintina:

She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada:

Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled, but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia:

A glorious and all conquering past but, alas, no future.

After 70, a woman is like Albania:

Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Iraq:

Ruled by a dick.

[ZAP]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class

section of a plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped

her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently

wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was

becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she

took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man

couldn't restrain his curiosity.

He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your

nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare

condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've

never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."

[Guest Ramm Chandra]

There once was a young indian named rammi

who went in to a bar for a shandi

he wiped off the froth with his loin cloth

and the barman said

"jeez that's handy"

ramm

[Falchoon]

Are you gay?

1. If you are over 30 and you have a washboard stomach, you're gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and rather you've been sucking-off the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaayming *beep*. A cat is like a dog, but Gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed.

And just think about how you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're the poster boy for GAY.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby-dummies, or any such

nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks bar-b-q ribs, crab-claws, raw oysters, craw-fish guts, pickled cops feet, or tit*ies. Anything else and you are in training to suck El-Dicko and undeniably a *beep*.

4. If you refuse to have a sh*t in a public toilet or piss in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one

in the poop-chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with thick,

wholesome milk) and full-aroma. A *beep*-eating man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a dick in there too.

6. If you know more than six names of colours or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out a free pass to your arse. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the NRL, Super 12 Rugby, Cricket, PGA, NBL, and Supercar series. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fresier" is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious!

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it...you're hungry for man sausage. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at slow-arse Volvo drivers or to cut the mother***ker off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger, hold his beer, finger the beotch in the passenger seat (whoever she happens to be), or, if he's a wog, talk on his mobile phone.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous sonnez le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly. So follow the rules and beware. Or keep that sh*t to yourself, you flamming *beep*!

9. If your name is Patrick, Marty, Brent,Daniel, Josh or Nat then stop living in denial. You're a dung punching arse bandit from way back and everyone knows it.

10. If you play aussie rules, you're a *beep*. Full stop