Joke Of The Day

[KEN 24T]

There's a couple of blokes walking back home from the local bowling club when they see a dog on the footpath, licking his nuts.

First bloke says "Geez, I wish I could do that"

Second bloke says "Ya better pat him first, he might bite"

:lol:

[Blown BA]

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia:

She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around a fertile delta.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan:

Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade, especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain:

Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina:

She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia & Argintina:

She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada:

Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled, but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia:

A glorious and all conquering past but, alas, no future.

After 70, a woman is like Albania:

Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Iraq:

Ruled by a dick.

[Blown BA]

When my cousin teased her four-year-old daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class, the little girl was quite indignant.

"No mummy, I don't," she replied, "because he's only interested in one thing."

Shocked, my cousin cautiously asked what that might be.

"Pokemon cards, " said the toddler.

[Blown BA]

A guy walked into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand, then talking into his hand.

Bartender: "Look this is a really tough neighborhood and I don't need any trouble."

Guy: "You don't get it. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying a wireless phone."

Bartender: "Oh yeah, prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

Bartender: "That's incredible, I would never have believed it!"

Guy: "I can keep in touch with my broker, my girlfriend, anyone. By the way, where is the restroom?"

The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room.

There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his but.

Bartender: "Oh my god! Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

Guy: "No, I'm ok... I'm just waiting for a FAX."

[Blown BA]

Where's the family gone?

[Falchoon]

:lol: Quotable quotes....

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

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Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

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Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie *beep* Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use *beep*, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

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Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

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Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

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Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

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A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" [Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard].

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Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

[KEN 24T]

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife does.

[Macktheknife]

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia:

A glorious and all conquering past but, alas, no future.

Except if you can still look like some photos I saw in one of SWMBO's magazines of good old Sonia McMahon.....

Crikey, dont know what it cost but......Impressive.......

[Blown BA]

An elderly couple, she was 85, he was 90, decided that they would take advantage of modern science to conceive another child. They discussed it with a fertility expert who said it was indeed possible.

The doctor gave the couple a jar and asked them to return a semen sample the next day.

The next day, the couple presented the doctor with an empty jar.

The husband apologized, "I tried my right hand...I tried my left hand... My wife tried her right hand...My wife tried her left hand. She took her teeth out and used her mouth. We still couldn't get the lid off the jar."

[Blown BA]

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"