Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

It's not difficult. To make a woman happy you only need to be :

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. gynaecologist

16. a psychologist

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organiser

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. galant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO :

44. give her compliments regularly

45. love shopping

46. be honest

47. be very rich

48. not stress her out

49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO :

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT :

53. to never forget :

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

Unfortunately, even if you keep to all these rules, her happiness is not guaranteed.

TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :

1. Shag him

2. Leave him in peace !

[Falchoon]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it's really phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day", he begins, 'I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream." "No sh*t?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Kiss me, kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes" the frog says. "I looked around to see if I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful voluptuous naked woman." She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

"I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, 'I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger!' "She nodded and snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was so big that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked 'What is your second wish?"

"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, 'I want to make sensuous love with you by the stream'. She nodded, laid down and beckoned me. We made love right there by the stream for hours!! God I was a love machine."

"Afterwards, as we lay next to each other, sweating from our glorious love making she whispered in my ear, 'You know you have one more wish, what will it be? I looked at her and replied 'How about a little head?"

[Macktheknife]

'How about a little head?"

That reminds me of a joke Falc,

A couple of deaf guys were having a conversation. (Without signing)

One says: Are you going fishing?

The other says: No, I thought I'd go fishing.

First one says: Oh, I thought you were going fishing.

:lol:

[KEN 24T]

'How about a little head?"

That reminds me of a joke Falc,

A couple of deaf guys were having a conversation. (Without signing)

One says: Are you going fishing?

The other says: No, I thought I'd go fishing.

First one says: Oh, I thought you were going fishing.

:lol:

It appears, that in my absence, you've maintained the usual standard of jokes, Mack .... well done.

[Blown BA]

Lets get off the corner

A rookie Police Officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and immediately observed a small crowd standing on one corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner now!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good", replied the veteran, "considering this is a bus stop."

[Blown BA]

The married Man's Score Board

(NOTE: a score of "0" means it was expected of him)

Simple Duties

------------

* You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5

* But return with beer: -5

* You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5

* You pummel it with a six iron: +10

* It's her father: -10

Social Engagements

------------------

* You stay by her side the entire party: 0

* You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2

* Named Tiffany: -4

* Tiffany is a dancer: -6

* Tiffany has implants: -8

Saturday Afternoons

-------------------

* You visit her parents: +1

* You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3

* You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3

* And the television is off: -6

* You spend the day watching college football in your underwear: -6

* And you didn't even go to college: -10

* And it's not really your underwear: -15

Her Birthday

------------

* You take her out to dinner: 0

* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1

* Okay, it's a sports bar: -2

* And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3

* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10

* You give her a gift: 0

* You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10

* You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1

* You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2

* You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30

* You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10

* With her credit card: -30

* And whatever you bought is two sizes too small: -40

Thoughtfulness

----------------------

* You forgot to pick her up at the bus station: -25

* Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35

* And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

A Night Out With Your Pals

----------------------------------------

* You have a few beers: -9

* For every beer after three: -2 again

* And miss curfew by an hour: -12

* You get home at 3 a.m.: -20

* You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30

* And not wearing any pants: -40

* Is that a tattoo? -200

A Night Out, Just the Two of You

-------------------------------------------------

* You go see a comic: +2

* He's crude and sexist: -2

* You laugh: -5

* You laugh too much: -10

* She's not laughing: -15

* You laugh harder: -25

Driving

----------

* You lose the directions on a trip: -4

* You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10

* You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15

* You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close & personal: -25

* She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

Communication

----------------------

* When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0

* When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5

* You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10

* She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

[Blown BA]

A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"

"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts abrasions, and burns."

"Do you use it for anything else?"

"Like what?"

"Ahem...err...well...like for...ahem...sex."

"Oh certainly, of course I do! I smear it on the BEDROOM doorknob to keep my husband out!"

[Blown BA]

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is crying, "Okay, okay! I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

[Blown BA]

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

[Blown BA]

Three blondes are walking through the forest. They come upon some tracks.

The first blonde says "They're deer tracks."

The second blonde says "They're bear tracks."

The third blonde says "They're moose tracks."

Then a train hits them