Joke Of The Day

[Falchoon]

Chinese Insight

Since history began, the Chinese always believed in the significance of one's name. They have developed a very comprehensive system of naming one's children as it is believed that the name of a person strongly influences one's destiny and fate. Astrologers, fortune tellers, academics and monks are consulted when choosing a name for the new born. Most other cultures, however do not really believe in it and tend to brush it off as superstition.

Whether you believe it or not, however, the other cultures are not spared of this correlation. One very good example is Lee Iacocca, whose name IACOCCA stands for: I Am Chairman Of Chrysler Corporation America ......

Coincidence? Look at the following familiar examples. Bush stands for: Beat Up Saddam Hussein !

Clinton stands for: Call Lewinsky, I Need The Oral Now!

However, no one can beat this latest casualty in bad naming. Osama stands for: Oh sh*t, American Missiles Again!

[Falchoon]

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky.

When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," says the bartender.

"He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," said the bartender.

:lol:

[Phils XM]

This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was

"Best Comeback Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old

white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on

Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public

indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse

on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he

decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,

picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes,

cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need.

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett

County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,"said officer Taylor.

"I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached

Lawrence.

"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you

are screwing a pumpkin?'

"He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,"

"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"

[Blown BA]

The desert outpost

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, what the camel was for.

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.

As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town"

[Blown BA]

World's fastest vehicle

One day, an extremely rich business man decides that the time has come to indulge himself. He has been working hard and making money all his life, and he rarely spends any of it on himself. So he goes out and buys the world's fastest commercial vehicle: the all-custom 2001 Chevrolet Zoom. This puppy can hit 350 mph on a straightaway and has all the trimmings. Leather, CD, Sunroof, GPS, everything. It cost him a cool $3 million.

He decides to take it for an afternoon spin. He's just cruising around town with one arm out the window, having the time of his life, when he gets to a red light. He pulls up next to an old guy on a little moped who is already waiting at the light.

"Now THAT'S a car," the old guy says with awe. "What on earth did that cost you?"

"Three million," the rich guy proclaimed. "And that was a steal. This here is the world's fastest commercial vehicle."

"You're kidding!" the old guy scoffed. "How fast?"

"350."

The old guy's jaw dropped. "Hey, do you mind if I take a look around inside real quick?"

"Not at all," the rich guy said.

The old guy leans way over and sticks his head in the window. After looking around for a few seconds, he sits back down on his moped. "That's a fine car," he said, nodding his head.

Just then, the stoplight turned to green, and the rich guy decided to show this old man what his car is really capable of. He floors it out of the intersection, and in a few seconds he is happily cruising along at 350 mph.

He happens to glance in his rearview mirror, and notices to his dismay a speck on the horizon that seems to be getting closer. Sure enough, the speck comes closer and closer until WHOOSH! it passes him. The rich guy just can't figure out what's going on here, so he pulls over. He sees the speck again on the horizon in front of him coming back towards him, and sure enough, WHOOSH! it passes him again. This time, though, he was prepared and got a better look at it. He could have sworn that he saw the old guy on the moped. "But that's impossible," he thought to himself.

Once again, the thing was coming back at the rear of his car, only this time it looked like it was going to hit. And hit it did. There was a loud crash as the thing slammed into the back of the Chevy Zoom.

The rich guy jumps out of the car and runs around to the back, where the old guy is dying on the road, pieces of his moped scattered around him.

"Oh, my God!" the rich guy said, horrified. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes," the old man responded feebly. "Before I die, I want you to unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."

[Blown BA]

Marriage Quotes

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.

If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children...' -- they leave skid marks.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.

An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced, "It's a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!"

A father called his local IRS office to ask if he could deduct the cost of his daughter's wedding as "a total loss."

The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal, a little bit of breast, a little bit of leg... and a whole lot of stuffing!!!

I want a husband who is decent, God-fearing, well-educated, smart, sincere, respectful, treats me as an equal, has a great body, and has the same interests in life as me. Now I don't think that's too much to ask of a billionaire, do you?

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: You'll never need to do it by hand again.

[Falchoon]

A guy went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled.

First off, the dentist said he would give the guy a shot to numb the jaw.

But the guy said he was afraid of needles.

The dentist said, "Okay, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep."

But the patient said he was allergic to gas.

So, the dentist said he'd look for something else.

After awhile, he came back with a couple of pills.

The guy asked what they were.

The dentist said, "Viagra."

The patient said, "What? Why these?"

The dentist said, "They won't put you to sleep, but they'll give you something to hang onto while I pull your tooth."

[Blown BA]

Help Wanted

(What they say and What they mean)

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"

We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up;

well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"CAREER-MINDED"

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"

We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

[Blown BA]

Did you hear, they found Bin Laden.

The US Military sprinkled Viagra all over Afganistan

and the little *beep* just popped up.

[Blown BA]

Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?

A: How do we find an egg in all of this sh*t?