Joke Of The Day

[ZAP]

Get a pen and paper handy, this one is a keeper.

MALE COMEBACKS TO FEMALE COMEBACKS TO MALE CHAT UP LINES

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat s**ut.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck me off just yet

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, I don't give a sh*it where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: That explains the moustache then!

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilised.

Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your ar**e.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to

hake off once you've been shag*ged.

Man: Would you like to dance?

Woman: I'd rather eat glass.

Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants

Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.

Man: Just as well cos I've been shag*ging your mum while your dad watches.

Man: You're pretty

Woman: Pi**s off.

Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... ugly, you fat b*t*ch.

If only the male mind became more witty under the effect of alcohol...

[JJ_Phantom]

Why is John Howard always on the bottom during sex?

Because all he does is F^&* up.

[Falchoon]

LOL@ zap! :lol:

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them

back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the

visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of

place in the lounge.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock", the man replied.

"How does it work?", asked the guest.

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering

blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

"For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!"

[Falchoon]

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing

into bed, when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a

headache".

"Perfect," her husband said. " I was just in the

bathroom powdering my d*ck with aspirin. You can take it orally

or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!

[Falchoon]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed

away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying

the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring

the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and

find that the woman is Actually alive. She lived for ten more

years, and then dies peacefully.A ceremony is again held at the

same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are

again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband

cries out, "Watch the f*cking wall!""

[Falchoon]

Secrets to a Happy Marriage

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.

and MOST important....

4. It is important that these three women never meet

___________________________________________________

Most married couples mainly argue about two things, sex and

money. So agree the price before you start.

[Falchoon]

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she

climbs up on Santa's lap.

Santa asks, "What would you like Santa

to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."

[Guest Hasco]

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF A BIRD SH_T ON YOUR WINDSCREEN?

DON'T TAKE HER OUT AGAIN

[Blown BA]

Ape Man

An enterprising mayor of the city of Granby, Quebec, a community south of Montreal, established a municipal zoo that has become a significant tourist attraction. It has also given rise to many unusual events.

Last September one of the star attractions, Arnold, an Indonesian ape, escaped to the dismay of the zoo director. The matter was a serious one because the members of the staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for animals, had no experience whatsoever in rounding them up or capturing them.

The zoo director appealed to the office of the mayor for help and the secretary to the mayor asked, "Have you looked in the yellow pages"? The director said he hadn't, but would, immediately.

To his surprise, under "animal capturing service" he found a listing for the Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately.

Within 20 minutes, a panel truck arrived at the admin office of the zoo and a small man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at the door.

"Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?", the little man asked. The director said there was, within one half mile from the zoo. "Hop in the truck", the little man said. The director did and they drove off.

Minutes later they arrived at a small grove and immediately spotted Arnold on a branch about 25 feet above the ground.

The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and the little man opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out and began running around in circles.

The little man reached into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he opened. In the suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to the zoo director, a sawed off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk of the tree, and a baseball bat.

"Now," the little man said, "I'm going up into the tree with the baseball bat, and I'm going to knock the ape out of the tree. The instant the ape hits the ground the dog, well trained, will bite the ape by the crotch and chomp-down with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and instinctively, grab at his crotch with both hands due to the pain, and you snap the handcuffs on and we've got him.

The zoo director, pointing to the shotgun leaning against the tree, said "I'm not too sure about this -- what's the gun for?"

The little man said, "Look, I'm an expert. I know what I'm doing and things will go just fine, after all, I have the baseball bat. I know my job and it'll never happen but if the ape should, by any chance, knock ME out of the tree, SHOOT THE DOG!!!"

[Blown BA]

PMS

During a sermon, the preacher says to his congregation, "The Bible covers everything. I challenge anyone to name a subject I can't find in the Good Book."

A woman in a back pew raises her hand and asks, "What about PMS?"

Caught by surprise, the preacher nervously thumbs through the Bible before exclaiming, "Oh, here it is: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem.