Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

I shall not steal

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments." After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."

Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?"

Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!"

[Blown BA]

A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he

asked. "It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "we take off all

our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!"

So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.

As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read,

"Beware of Gays."

A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing

"Beware of Gays."

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a

bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it

said, "Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"

[Blown BA]

An older man goes to the Doctor in desire of a prescription for Viagra. The Doctor looks over the man, and says, "Viagra can be very dangerous and we do not just dispense it indiscriminately, Please bring your wife to my office next week and we'll discuss this in more detail. So the following week he shows up with his wife. The Doctor asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments and she follows him back to the examining room. The doctor asks her to disrobe and she does. He then asks her to turn around in 360 degrees a few times then instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in various positions. He then tells her she can get dressed and goes out to meet the Male Patient. "Sir," The Doctor Says, "There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection either.

[Falchoon]

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes... (read them out loud)

1) That's not right ......... Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive?..... Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP..........Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man ..............Dum Gai

5) Small Horse ............Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? .........Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table ........Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift .......Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here .....Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet ......Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone .......No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ..........Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight .........Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile ..... Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive .......Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great .....Fa Kin Su Pah

[Blown BA]

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes... (read them out loud)

1) That's not right ......... Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive?..... Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP..........Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man ..............Dum Gai

5) Small Horse ............Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? .........Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table ........Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift .......Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here .....Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet ......Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone .......No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ..........Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight .........Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile ..... Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive .......Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great .....Fa Kin Su Pah

Count in Chinese

Yat...1

Yee... 2

Sum... 3

Sei... 4

Nook... 5

Look... 6

Chuk... 7

But ...8

Gow... 9

Sub.. 10

[cvanxr]

Subject: Best Resignation Letter Ever

This is an actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex

Computers, USA, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon

afterwards!

Dear Mr. Baker,

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few

very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct

superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground

squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my

co-workers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only

surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our

time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance

of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office

is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen.

I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and

you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other

employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept

of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple

as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never

understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it

to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as

telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality

than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault

in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may

have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have

responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their

talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial

evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and

laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full

frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however

I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for

you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is

"I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over

the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would

be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know

every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to

get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I

conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do

believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the

administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your

Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take

pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them

like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen

such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been

copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter

of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to

correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on

my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of

your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.

Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what

you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

Cecelia

[Guest]

Any chance of getting the photos,sauce bottle eh?

vik

[sharkey]

There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those that understand binary and those that don't

[Blown BA]

The gay baby

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Bob. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his butt."

[Blown BA]

The outhouse poem

The service station trade was slow

The owner sat around,

With sharpened knife and cedar stick

Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,

The log across the rill

Led to a shack, marked His and Hers

That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"

The owner leaning back,

Said not a word but whittled on,

And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there

But only stayed a minute,

Until she screamed, just like a snake

Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face

She bounded through the door,

And headed quickly for the car

Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log -- jumped the stream

The owner gave a shout,

As her silk stockings, down at her knees

Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell -- got up, and then

In obvious disgust,

Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,

And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know

What made the gals all do

The things they did, and then we found

The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised

To make the thing complete,

He tied a speaker on the wall

Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set

And then the devilish tike,

Would stop his whittling long enough,

To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below

Struck terror, fright and fear,

"Will you please use the other hole,

We're painting under here!"