Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

The atheist

Did you hear the one about the atheist that went to the *beep* house?

He went in and paid his money, picked out a girl and went upstairs. When they got in the room she asked if he wanted the light on or off. He said on. She laid on the bed and asked, "What religion are you?" to which he replied athiest. About that time he dropped his pants and she was staring at that BIG ol thing hanging down between his knees.

She jumped up, and said, "You'll have to pick someone else, I can't handle that!" So, they went back downstairs, he picked another girl, and back up they went. She asked, "Do you want the light on or off?" He said on. She asked what religion are you? He replied atheist. And again, she couldn't handle what she saw.

So, back downstairs they went, he picked out another and they went back up. However, by now he had figured out what he was doing wrong. She asked, "Do you want the light on or off?" He replied OFF! She asked what's your religion? He replied atheist. Then climbed in bed with her. She said, "Oh, you're one of those people that don't believe in...JEEEESUS CHRIST!"

[Blown BA]

Pay your bills

Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breas*s, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to have Horatio the Physician arrange it and that he would gladly pay the 1,000 gold coins for the chance to satisfy his desires for the Queen.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's massive brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer had present the antidote to cure the itch. King Arthur quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breas*s.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King --- shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into King Arthur's shorts.

King Arthur quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.

[ZAP]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Art Gallery

were standing at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a

bench and two of the figures had black penises but the one in the

middle had a pink pen*s.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble

interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted

the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white,

patriarchal society.

"In fact" he pointed out,"some serious critics believe

that the pink pen*s also reflects the cultural and sociological

oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple

and said,"Now would you like to know what the painting is really all

about?"

"Why would you claim to be more of an expert

than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact there's no

African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal

miners."

"The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[Guest]

In the bush there was this hippie hugging a tree and humming

A bush walker walked past and observed this strange behaviour

He thought WTF,so went up to ask the hippie whats going on

"Im listening to the trees music man"

"What music" said the bushwalker

"Go on man you have a listen,be as one wit the tree dude"

The bushwalker, being a bit of a closet hippie himself thought why not

As soon as he got his armes around the tree,the hippie handcuffed him

The hippie then undressed the man starkers,stealing the lot..

This poor bugger,cuffed to a tree naked didnt know what to do

He hears another bush walker and shouts out to him

The stranger walks up asking whats going on

The poor bugger explaines what had happened

Then the stranger walks around to the back of the poor bugger

Gives him a big lick up the neck,then a nice wet one in the ear,and says

"hasent been your day,has it"

vik

[turbotom]

Sensitive New Age Guys......

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve,Bill and Charlie.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bill says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I`ll do it."

2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"

"Steve`s wife gave it to me."

"That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve`s widow.`"

She said, "`No, I`m not a widow."

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"

[Blown BA]

Halloween Costume

A very vain and bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate." Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part." Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:

"Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your posterior and go as a caramel apple." Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

[Blown BA]

The married Man's Score Board

(NOTE: a score of "0" means it was expected of him)

Simple Duties

------------

* You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5

* But return with beer: -5

* You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5

* You pummel it with a six iron: +10

* It's her father: -10

Social Engagements

------------------

* You stay by her side the entire party: 0

* You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2

* Named Tiffany: -4

* Tiffany is a dancer: -6

* Tiffany has implants: -8

Saturday Afternoons

-------------------

* You visit her parents: +1

* You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3

* You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3

* And the television is off: -6

* You spend the day watching college football in your underwear: -6

* And you didn't even go to college: -10

* And it's not really your underwear: -15

Her Birthday

------------

* You take her out to dinner: 0

* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1

* Okay, it's a sports bar: -2

* And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3

* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10

* You give her a gift: 0

* You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10

* You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1

* You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2

* You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30

* You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10

* With her credit card: -30

* And whatever you bought is two sizes too small: -40

Thoughtfulness

----------------------

* You forgot to pick her up at the bus station: -25

* Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35

* And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

A Night Out With Your Pals

----------------------------------------

* You have a few beers: -9

* For every beer after three: -2 again

* And miss curfew by an hour: -12

* You get home at 3 a.m.: -20

* You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30

* And not wearing any pants: -40

* Is that a tattoo? -200

A Night Out, Just the Two of You

-------------------------------------------------

* You go see a comic: +2

* He's crude and sexist: -2

* You laugh: -5

* You laugh too much: -10

* She's not laughing: -15

* You laugh harder: -25

Driving

----------

* You lose the directions on a trip: -4

* You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10

* You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15

* You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close & personal: -25

* She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

Communication

----------------------

* When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0

* When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5

* You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10

* She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

[Buf-Phoon]

Well I must say an impressive -74 OMG I am so gawn Honestly these magazine thingies are a crock :o but soooo trueish .......bwaaaahaaahha

Now you lot behave yer selves

[Antisocial]

We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others believed it was flat and that if you traveled far enough you would go over the edge.

We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as America. While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned to Spain and told Queen Isabella that he discovered a new world, most believe he had told her he had reached India.

Recently documents written by Queen Isabella's official scribe were uncovered revealing what Columbus actually said on returning from his first voyage.

His first words were,

"I'll bet I'm the first man who ever got nineteen hundred miles on a galleon."

[Macktheknife]

Did ya hear about the dyslexic bloke that walked into a bra......