Joke Of The Day

[Falchoon]

Thanks Vik, I do have a reputation to uphold.

If I started posting good jokes people would think something was wrong! :lol:

[Falchoon]

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with

1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

There is no access to fast food & Each man must take care of his 4

kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete

science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

The men only have access to television When the kids are asleep and

all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is

NO REMOTE

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they must

apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings;

Clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.

Make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one

marker; and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

The last man wins ...... only if ............ he has enough energy

to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again

for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right to be called...

"Mother"

[Dagabond]

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?

POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.

LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is "yes."

LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?

POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?

POLE: NO, she white.

LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?

POLE: SHE going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?

POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?

POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, "Polish Remover."

[Dagabond]

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is!

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They all know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh#+head's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss Australia?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been".

[Falchoon]

An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would somehow come

back to inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that

there really was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to

go and, true to his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV,

she heard a ghostly voice saying, "Maude... Maude ... " "Is that you,

John?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room. The voice

responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed." "What's it

like, John?" Maude asked. John said, "Well, I get up in the morning and I

have sex. Then I have breakfast, and after that more sex. I bathe in the

sun for a while and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then have sex

pretty much all afternoon. After dinner I have sex until late at night and

the next day it starts all over again." "Oh, John," Maude said, "then

surely you must be in heaven!" "Not exactly," John said. "I'm a rabbit

somewhere near Dubbo."

[Guest]

Well after 57 pages its not surprising it had to get this way,so here goes,

Did you hear about the bloke that was climbing the ladder to success in his field of work?

When he reached the top,he found a big fat nagger sitting there with his stodger hanging out,and then the nagger says "Hi Im Cess"

vik

[Falchoon]

Ummm...that was a...ummm...great joke Vik. :lol:

To quote Elliot Goblet: "I'm going internally bezerk"

A young couple were in a car parked on Lovers Lane and the

young man turned admiringly to his pretty date and said, "Gee,

you smell good. You wearing perfume or something?"

The girl blushed charmingly and confessed that she was

wearing a new perfume that she'd bought especially with him

in mind. "You smell good, too," she aid, "What do you have on?"

"Well, I have a hard-on," blurted the young man," but I didn't

know that you could smell it."

[Guest]

A little bloke was following two big blokes down the road.

What time was it?

A little after two

vik

[Buf-Phoon]

A little bloke was following two big blokes down the road.

What time was it?

A little after two

vik

onya Vik ........another quality offering , on a roll mate :lol:

[Falchoon]

A bit old now but still funny...or tragic, depending on how you look at it.