Dagabond Bored Member Administrator 35,722 Member For: 22y 20d Gender: Male Location: Dé·jà vu Posted 03/04/04 12:29 PM Share Posted 03/04/04 12:29 PM 13 things PMS stands for:1. Pass My Shotgun2. Psychotic Mood Shift3. Perpetual Munching Spree4. Puffy Mid-Section5. People Make me Sick6. Provide Me with Sweets7. Pardon My Sobbing8. Pimples May Surface9. Pass My Sweatpants10. Pissy Mood Syndrome11. Plainly; Men Suck12. Pack My Stuff13. Potential Murder SuspectTHE HORMONE WARNING:The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man as to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolateDANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolateDANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?SAFER: Could we be overreacting?SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolateDANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolateDANGEROUS: What did you do all day?SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dagabond Bored Member Administrator 35,722 Member For: 22y 20d Gender: Male Location: Dé·jà vu Posted 03/04/04 12:39 PM Share Posted 03/04/04 12:39 PM A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," was the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl, "How old do you think I am?" "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drugstore on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk the same burning question. The clerk, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you." While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.! He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds kind of forward, but if you let me put my hands under your bra I can tell you exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this she says "Okay, okay, that's enough... how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breas*s, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible... how could you possibly know that from a feel of my breas*s?" The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dagabond Bored Member Administrator 35,722 Member For: 22y 20d Gender: Male Location: Dé·jà vu Posted 03/04/04 12:48 PM Share Posted 03/04/04 12:48 PM Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dagabond Bored Member Administrator 35,722 Member For: 22y 20d Gender: Male Location: Dé·jà vu Posted 03/04/04 12:49 PM Share Posted 03/04/04 12:49 PM The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...Two men and a woman.For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun."We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came outwith tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Falchoon I see red Member 5,758 Member For: 21y 11m 17d Location: nowhere in particular Posted 05/04/04 01:11 AM Share Posted 05/04/04 01:11 AM Two Arab mothers are sitting in the Gaza strip chatting over a pint ofgoat's milk. The older mother pulls her bag out and starts flippingthrough pictures, and then starts reminiscing."This is my eldest son Mohammed. He's 24 year old"says mum. 'Yes, I remember him as a baby", says the other mother gleefully."He is a martyr now", his Mother confides."Oh dear", says the other"and this is my second son Kalid. He is 21 "."Oh I remember him"says the other happily," he had such curly hair when he was born"."He's a martyr too", his mum quietly says."Oh gracious me', says the other." and this is my third son -my baby- my beautiful Achmed; he's 18'". she whispers."Yes "says the friend enthusiastically,"I remember when he first started school"."He is a martyr also" says his mum., with tears in her eyes.After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab mother looks wistfully atthe photographs and says, " It's amazing, they blow up so fast these days". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Falchoon I see red Member 5,758 Member For: 21y 11m 17d Location: nowhere in particular Posted 06/04/04 03:19 AM Share Posted 06/04/04 03:19 AM When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 10th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?" Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem." Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made peace. A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Macktheknife Xtreme Xalted Member Donating Members 3,112 Member For: 21y 6m 28d Gender: Male Location: BrisVegas Posted 06/04/04 05:28 AM Share Posted 06/04/04 05:28 AM the photographs and says, " It's amazing, they blow up so fast these days".Laugh?I haven't stopped yet.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aniken I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it Donating Members 4,316 Member For: 21y 11m 14d Gender: Male Location: Sydney, south west Posted 06/04/04 10:28 AM Share Posted 06/04/04 10:28 AM The Australian Tax Office sends their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.""Yes," answered the Rabbi."Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked." A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way ."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?""Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a whole box of matzo balls.""Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi."Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?""Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick like you." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aniken I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it Donating Members 4,316 Member For: 21y 11m 14d Gender: Male Location: Sydney, south west Posted 06/04/04 10:35 AM Share Posted 06/04/04 10:35 AM WARNING: THESE JOKES MAY BE OFFENSIVEThose of Lebanese extraction should probably stop reading now Why did the Leb die?He was fully sick Mate!!!!!! Why do Leb's wear thick gold chains?.... So they know where to stop shaving. What do you call a Leb in the middle of the ocean, drowning, screaming for help? Fukim What do you call a Leb on a bike? Ali Davidson What do you call one Leb on the moon? A problem What do you call two Leb's on the moon? A bigger problem What do you call every Leb on the moon? Problem solved What do you call a hot chick in Lebanon? A tourist Who won the Lebanese beauty contest? No one What do you call three Leb's in the sauna? Gorillas in the mist How many Leb's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Ten - one to screw it in and the other nine to say "sick mate" Why don't Lebs where underwear? Cause NIKE don't make them What do you call a Leb between two buildings? Ali. What do you call a drunk Leb? Hamed What do you call a really drunk Leb? Mohamed What do you call a really drunk Leb between two buildings? Mohamed Ali Why did the Leb cross the road? To smash the chicken Why did fifty Leb's cross the road? Because the chicken was winning Why didn't the Lebanese Olympic boxing team compete in Sydney 2000? They found out you have to fight one on oneWhat do you call a good looking Leb? Asif What do you call a Leb hairdresser? Ali Barber What do you call a baby Leb? Kebab. How do you make a baby Leb shut up? Shush Kebab Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blown BA In Your Face Member 6,195 Member For: 21y 8m 25d Gender: Male Location: Peninsula Posted 06/04/04 10:37 AM Share Posted 06/04/04 10:37 AM (edited) Those of Lebanese extraction should probably stop reading now You wouldn't happen to be a LEBO by off chance Edited 06/04/04 10:37 AM by Blown BA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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