Joke Of The Day

[aniken]

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to! you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute".

[cvanxr]

Bed for Sale

Friends,

I am trying to sell my bed as I have upgraded to a more extravagant model last week.. The bed frame is 100% hand carved and imported from India.  The mattress is high quality, but it is the frame that makes the bed.  I haven't named a price, but if you are interested I can give you a price. Anyway I have attached a picture.  It is of the highest quality as you will see.

[KEN 24T]

Bed for Sale

Friends,

I am trying to sell my bed as I have upgraded to a more extravagant model last week.. The bed frame is 100% hand carved and imported from India. The mattress is high quality, but it is the frame that makes the bed. I haven't named a price, but if you are interested I can give you a price. Anyway I have attached a picture. It is of the highest quality as you will see.

You'd need to be very careful rolling over in the middle of the night. :hiwelcome:

[JJ_Phantom]

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his

>girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200

>mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

>

>"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

>

>And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep

>his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped

>over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the

>steering wheel.

>

>"Go and get help!" he cried.

>

>"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

>

>"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

>

>Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the

>road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her

>legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me!

>My boyfriend's stuck!"

>

>The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's

>nothing I can do....he's in too far!"

[Phils XM]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on

the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she

slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled

out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce, Bruce ! ! " she yelled. Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned meself to the floor ! " she said.

"Strewth ! " Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl.

I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

''No way! We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Cobba said

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles

under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba

"Spot on" Bruce said.

"While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her *beep*."

"Play with her *beep*"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can

slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive"

[Antisocial]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed

he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his

collar that way.

The man who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father'.

The little boy replied, 'my daddy doesn't wear his collar like that'.

The priest looked up from his book and answered, 'I am the Father of many'.

The boy said, 'my Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and 2 grandchildren and he

doesn't wear his collar that way'.

The priest, getting impatient, said, 'I am the Father of hundreds' and went

back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,

'maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar'.

[Antisocial]

FROM THE NEWSPAPERS

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth

was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster.

A coastguard spokesman commented,

"This sort of thing is all too common".

(The Times)

[genebaby]

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very

sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time..

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning

to find his pen*s covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never

having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man

to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've

got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and

almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or

something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to

have to amputate your pen*s".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second

opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want,

but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that

he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his pen*s and proclaims: "Ah, yes,

Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but

what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my

pen*s?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican

docta, always want to cut, cut, cut, Make more money, that way. No need

to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Save money. You

wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!"

[pym]

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals,

but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male

animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but

> is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.

He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also

applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered

with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. Much worse

> than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside

and deflower young virgins who pay them for the privilege of having sex

for the first time...

Reason:

under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else

in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her

> adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner

desired. (Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in

tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the

first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the

act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a

woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this

law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with

one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine

only

"in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the

premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. >> >

(Who volunteers for this stuff?) >> > >> >

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own

weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From

drinking little bottles of...?)

(Did the govt.pay for this search??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(Do you think they have bad breath?)

[pym]

Not everyone likes it THAT cold (perhaps with the exception of Ken)

Edited 22/03/04 02:04 AM by pym