Joke Of The Day

[cvanxr]

HANDY HINTS

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply

pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The

blockage is almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by

getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning

after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a

thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly

on the wall.

5. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your

home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of

bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

6. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by

drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a

strange place the following morning, having had your memory

mysteriously 'erased'.

7. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next

to the object you wish to view.

8. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl will

make the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing

manner.

9. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of

lard.

10. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start

eating cakes again.

11. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an

ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

12. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids

by running a bit slower.

13. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your

next *beep* from the butt of your last one.

14. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of

steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn,

meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't

know the =ifference.

15. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no

doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them

about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

16. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment,

always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove

the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area

of the stain and check that it has gone.

17. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames

of cartoons first, then read the rest in a random order.

18. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for

21. Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet

paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

22. Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of

your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like

dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

[cvanxr]

Subject: FW: REVENGE ON OUR SPEED CAMERA'S!

"Four youths from Canberra, Australia pulled off a trick of breathtaking

bravado in order to gain revenge on a mobile speed camera van operating

in the area. Three of the group approached the van and distracted the

operator's attention by asking a series of questions about how the

equipment worked and how many cars the operator could catch in a day.

Meanwhile, the fourth musketeer sneaked to the front of the van and

unscrewed its numberplate. After bidding the van operator goodbye, the

friends returned home, fixed the number plate to their car and drove

through the camera's radar at high speed - 17 times. As a result, the

automated billing system issued 17 speeding tickets to itself. Go

Aussies!!"

[geea]

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it.

Geea

[richdave]

At last!! A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain

letters/pyramid

schemes, this one costs nothing, and you can only win.

Simply send this e-mail to 6 of your mates or work colleagues

INSTRUCTIONS Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

0.5 miss worlds

2.5 models

463 wild nymphos

3,234 good-looking nymphos

20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms

40,198 bi-sexual women.

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

*** DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER ***

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 6 of his

friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent

her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel

he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live

with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter). While I am

sending this letter, the bloke that is in 5th place above me has already

received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion.

Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life.

No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that

only interest women) just so that you can screw her. No obligations, no

grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.

Do not hesitate........send this letter today to 6 of your best friends or

work colleagues.

PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.

PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can

prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

[Cobra]

There were two blondes who owned a Mercedes-Benz convertible. They just

came out of a restaurant, and they found that they locked their keys in the

car. One blonde was trying to get the car door to open with a hanger. The

other blonde said to the other, "Hurry up it's starting to rain and the top

is down."

[wicksy]

I don't a joke too sober will post on sun morning when blind

[cvanxr]

Priceless

[ktford]

Two blokes we'll call tham Ken & Mack were down on their luck & finances but good mates they were & they wanted to go & get sloshed.

Out of nowhere Mack came up with a plan, they pooled their resources came up with $3.50, Mack sauntered up to the deli & purchased a foot long Cabanosi. Disgusted that Mack had wasted their last monies on his fatty food fetish Ken exploded. Calm down Ken, I've got a plan Mack replied.

The lads walked to the nearest pub & ordered 6 drinks which were consumed rappidly, at the end of their third each, Mack popped the cabanossi out his fly & Ken dropped to his knees & began suckin on it like the pro he is. Disgusted the barman ejected the lads from the premises, at pub number two the same roleplay was repeated with the same result.

After 12 pubs Ken cried, Mack I'm beat all that drinking, walking, getting hurled out & up & down off my knees I want to go home, quick to reply with a sly grin Mack retorted Thank God for that cause I lost the Cabanossi at the 3rd pub.

Boom tish.

Scotty

[Falchoon]

[Falchoon]

A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.

She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it? It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge.'"