Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

Christmas Cookie Ingredients:

1 cup of water

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt

1 cup of brown sugar 2 T lemon juice

4 large eggs

1 cup nuts

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.

At this point it's bestto make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ... just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it lloose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.

Check the Jose Cuervo.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat offthe turner.

Finally, throw the bowl out, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS! :festive:

[BarraGT]

An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney and says,

"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get

there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

Ha ha ha! LOL!

[XR64T]

What is the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo....

[pym]

What's the difference between the English Alphabet, and the Christmas Alphabet....

NO EL

[Falchoon]

Plonky will like this one!

Scott is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when Bill Gates walks up to him and asks: "Have you got the time?" Scott sighs, not recognising Mr. Gates, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six", he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims Mr. Gates. Scott brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out..." He shows him a time zone display for every time zone in the world. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Scott continues "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding."

Bill Gates is dumb struck with admiration. "That's not all...", says Scott. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Scott.

"View recede ten", Scott says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says Bill Gates, thinking of the potential profits after his engineers tear it apart and then market it throughout the world.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that "the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far" says Scott.

"I've got to have this watch!!" says Bill Gates, becoming insane with desire. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $2,000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than..." "I'll give you $8,000 for it!" "But it's just not..." "I'll give you $20,000 in cash for it!" And Bill Gates pulls out his bulging wallet.

Scott stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $20,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in maybe a year or so. Bill Gates frantically waves the cash in front of Scott: "Here it is, right here and now, $20,000! Take it or leave it!" Scott abruptly makes his decision: "Okay," he agrees as he peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger.

They make the exchange and Bill Gates prances happily away. "Hey, wait a minute", calls Scott after the stranger. Bill Gates turns around warily and says: "What?" Scott ! points to the two heavy suitcases he had been trying to wrestle through the terminal. "Don't forget your batteries."

[aniken]

The results are out for the Ozwords comp where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by adding or subtracting or changing only one letter, and supply a new and witty definition.

billabonk: to make love by a waterhole

bludgie: a partner who doesn't work but is kept as a pet.

bushwanker: a pretentious drongo who reckons he can handle himself in the scrub.

crackie daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.

dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact.

fair drinkum: good quality wine.

flatypus: a cat which has been run over by a vehicle.

matesh*t: all your flatmate's belongings lying strewn around the floor.

podgie: a pregnant widgie.

shagman: a male roaming the country in search of sexual activity.

shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.

technicolour lawn: the front yard after a rave party.

yabba: the hitherto secret language of Australian freshwater crustaceans.

[aniken]

Recently widowed, the old lady is sitting on a Florida beach near Venice. She looks up when an elderly gentleman places his blanket on the sand nearby and begins reading a book. Smiling, she attempts to strike up a conversation with him.

"Hello sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responds, turning back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asks.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replies.

"Do you live around here?"

"Yes," he answers, continuing to read.

The widow persists. "Do you like pu$$y cats?"

With that, he throws his book down, jumps off his blanket onto hers, tears off both their swimsuits, and gives her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand settles, she gasps: "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The old boy replies: "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[Cro]

http://www.hypercom.ca/love/

[Dagabond]

Borshtard!!

Ya know it's commin but it dont help.......

[KEN 24T]

http://www.hypercom.ca/love/

You bas*ard, Cro!!!!

Just about sh*t meself ....