Joke Of The Day

[aniken]

An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbiths?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my python weally givth a phuck."

[aniken]

An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day.

Bored in his history lesson he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him.

He runs out of the school.

As he gets outside he thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home.

Two hours later his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police.

Panicking, the inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself.

Later on in the evening he wakes up in the inflatable hospital and sees the headmaster is in the inflatable bed next to him.

Shaking his deflated head more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones :->

(wait for it!!)

"You've let me down, you've let the school down but, worst of all, you've let yourself down"

[GlennAUII]

[KEN 24T]

:o

Appologies to all police members ...

I'd hate to be a cop! No wonder you guys get so bent out of shape ...

[JJ_Phantom]

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We

lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe

rekindle a little of that magic.

Wow! I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit

older and a bit stockier / balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! Yeah," I said, Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waist band that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she

thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up.

[Hornblower]

I was down the pub the other day, and I went up to the bar to order a drink. I took a quick glance at the guy next to me, and I had to do a second-take, because what I saw freaked me out. The guy, who was about 6-feet tall, had a head that was only about the size of an orange! Before I could stick my eyeballs back in my head, the guy says “You wanna hear about it?……you wanna know what happened?…….(insert wavy dream-sequence special effect here)

“You see, I was working this cargo ship in the Fijian islands and we ran into a tropical cyclone one night and before I knew what was happening I got washed overboard. Somehow I managed to swim to a nearby deserted, and when I got ashore I saw what looked like one of my other shipmates struggling in the surf break.

“I went back in the water and dragged the person ashore, but as I dragged them out of the water, bloody hell, it was the most beautiful mermaid with the most fantastic set of hooters I had ever seen!

“As she cleared her lungs of water, I couldn’t take my eyes off her gorgeous *beep*! Finally, when she could breathe again, the mermaid said “Thank you brave sir for rescuing me. As a reward for saving me I grant you one wish”…

“Man, I’d been at sea for so long with out a woman all I wanted to do was pork something, so I just blurted out “I wanna have sex with you!”

“Brave sir”, said the mermaid “would but I could fulfil your wish, however as you can see I am but part woman and part fish, and I do not have the physiology that would be required”

Her breas*s heaved up and down as she spoke, I was about to lose all control and I said “how about a little head then?”

boom boom

[Guest Scootre]

A guy goes into a Public Library and askes the Librarian if she has any books on how to commit suicide.

The Librarian says, "F#ck off... you won't return it.".

[aniken]

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,' Ashcroft said. 'They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

'As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle,' Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

'I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence,' the President said, adding: 'Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line.'

President Bush warned, 'These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex.'

Attorney General Ashcroft said, 'As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks.'

[aniken]

A bloke sees a sign in front of a house in Belfast: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden. The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"Do you talk?" he asks the dog.

"Sure do," the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was voted 'Most Valuable Spy' eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals. Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The bloke is amazed! He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten quid."

The bloke says, 'This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a F@#$ing liar. He's never done any of that stuff."

[aniken]

A recent scientific study found that the kind of male a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is likely to be attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

And if she is menstruating, she is likely to prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple and a cricket stump jammed up his bum...