Joke Of The Day

[turbo.vixen]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

[FPV6T]

Paddy hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary ,

"I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

Paddy said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, Paddy!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy 's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said,

"Paddy won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary ."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!

[FPV6T]

Subject: Letter to the Treasurer

Dear Mr.Swan,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing Australia 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander the

Money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them $1 million each severance for early retirement with the

Following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - Unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new Australian car. Ten million cars ordered - Car

Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing

Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/TAFE/university - Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy $100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....and there's your

Money back in duty/tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home (living away from home) allowances.

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. If not, please disregard.

Yours sincerely,

The Whole Country!!

[FPV6T]

Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 note.

When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 note. She called the guy back , licks the $20 note, and sticks it to his other bum cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 note and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 note. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately,

she just stuck it to one of his bum cheeks again.

My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me. Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his bum, grabbed the eighty bucks and left!!!!

[Buf-Phoon]

now that's my kind of stimulus package. No dancing girls or hookers vouchers though

shame that

[FPV6T]

The Booze Bus

>>

>> Two indigenous Australians were driving their old Ford Falcon in the

>> outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze

>> bus".

>>

>> Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As

>> they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'G'day,

>> brudder! Two cans of Emu Export, Thanks!'

>>

>> The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the

>> car and blow into this tube for me!'

>>

>> The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in that... I got a letter

>> from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in

> that.'

>>

>> The cop smirked and said 'OK - In these cases, we require you to give

> a blood sample.'

>>

>> 'Nah, nah - sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that.

>> Got a letter from the Red Cross sayin' I'm a haemophiliac, And I

> could bleed to death if I gave a blood sample. Sorry, boss, can't do that!'

>>

>> By now the copper was getting very irate, and so he demanded that the

>> driver provide a urine sample for testing.

>>

>> The driver shook his head and said 'Sorry boss, can't do that either.'

>>

>> The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that!!!'

>>

>> 'Bloody oath, mate!' says the driver, 'It's from Kevin Rudd, the Prime

>> Minister of this lovely country of Australia - he's apologised, and

>> says that you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas

> no more!'

[FPV6T]

Confucius Says:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in

Front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind

Car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one

Chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch butt

Should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many

Prunes get good run for money..

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not

Determine who is right, war determine who is

Left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put

Husband in doghouse soon find him in

Cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like

Hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in

Glass house should change clothes in

Basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in

Other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator

Smell different to midget.

[Panda Eyes]

also----

man who stands on toilet high on pot....

man who go to sleep with lustful problem, wake up with solution in hand....

man who walks through airport turnstyle sideways always going to bangkok.....

man with one hand in pocket always on the ball....

man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.......

[Panda Eyes]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my pen*s to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

[FPV6T]

A woman says to her husband , "what would you do if I won lotto?"

He says, "I'd take half then leave you."

"Excellent," she replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's 6 now F*CK off!"