Joke Of The Day

[FPV6T]

When girls don't put out!!

This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all

dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her!!.

[Superdan]

[xr6t 4.0]

[FPV6T]

Sunday morning sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,

Katie went straight to her grandparent' s house to visit her 95-year-old

grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,

"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex

would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age,

we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

"He'd still be alive if Mr. Whippy hadn't come along.

[FPV6T]

For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally.....

'Circumcised'

(this is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.

[FPV6T]

Top Four 2008 Adult Jokes

Fourth Place :

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your pen*s is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again...

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his pen*s into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my pen*s into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

===============================================

[FPV6T]

Parvinder and Habib are street beggars. They beg in different areas of Darwin

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects $2 to $3 every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives

in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do

you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?'

Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get $2- $3.'

Habib says, 'So what does your sign say'?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign.

It reads, 'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan '.

[FPV6T]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments..

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they not the "in" name this year.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

[FPV6T]

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me, "You lazy pig! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your fat arse and give her a break!"

I thought 'Stupid woman!' Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms to sod off and mind her own business. I told her my wife had green fingers and that she really enjoyed gardening.

After a few days I felt really bad, so I went out and bought my wife a ride-on mower to show my senstive side. I'm really proud of the deal I got and also very proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys, we should take good care of our wives... then maybe they'll take good care of us.

I've attached a picture below...hope it comes through OK

.

I KNOW...I'M TOO BLOODY SOFT WITH HER.

SHE'LL PROBABLY WANT GEARS ON IT NEXT!!

[turbo.vixen]

The lesbians next door asked me what

I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when

they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think

they misunderstood me when I said,

I wanna watch