Joke Of The Day

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The International Council of Man Laws, Ltd.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.

© After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed

and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out

of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off

limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is

forbidden.

However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another

man.

In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At

that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's

choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the

weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask

the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have satisfied

her sexually. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of

flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're

sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless model and

only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to

kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies

until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as

much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must

remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of

pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking

about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,

except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting

weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

© Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:

I.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other

situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you

need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer

than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.

Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"

have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and

guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the

discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for

her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,

orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for

Christmas?"

with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of

story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's

Gymnastics.

Ever.

29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. but do you really

know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the

definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being

assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are

you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of

perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass

and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

[Dagabond]

They found a fix for the swine flu...fill a room with smoke and hang round in it till your cured....

[turbo.vixen]

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for

the first time.

The first lady said, “I don’t know bout y’al but I’m gunna wear me sum

hot pink panties beefo I gets ondat plane.”

“Why you gonna wear dem fo?”, the other two asked.

The first replied, “Cause, if dat plane goes down and I’m out dare

laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonnafind me first.”

The second lady said, “Well, I’m a-gonna wear me some floe esant orange

panties.”

“Why you gonna wear dem?” the others asked.

The second lady answered, “Cause if dis hare plane is goin’ down and I

be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.”

The third old lady says, “Well, I’m not gonna wear any panties” . . ..

“What? No panties?” the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, “Dat’s right girlfriends, you hears me right. I

ain’t wearin’ any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, the

fust thang dey always look fo is a black box!”

[Mike XR6T]

lmao nice 1 mate

[XR6TWolf]

Two particularly attractive English girls are driving a 4wd through Africa on an unguided wildlife tour when it breaks down.

Not knowing what to do they start walking.

After about an hour one says to the other "I cant handle this heat, I'm going to take my shirt off" and shortly the two lasses are walking along clad in shorts and bras.

A little further along the track and the other says "I am sweating so much my shorts are chafing, I'm going to ditch them and act like I'm just wearing a bikini" and a moment later they are both modelling their lingerie for the wildlife.

By noon it is 45 degrees, the bras have been ditched and all that remains of the clothing is a small pair of lacy panties each. They discuss removing them but decide to soldier on for just a little more, concerned that being found naked would be too embarassing.

A minute or so later they crest a hill and there on the side of the road is an African woman, stark naked eating a bowl of food. They stagger up to her and ask "is it any cooler with your panties off"?

The woman looks around and replies "aww sh*t I dunno but it keeps the flies outta my food"

[FPV6T]

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. He knocks on the gates and St. Peter opens them.

"Yes?" asks St. Peter.

"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani.

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Hey Jesus, your taxi's here."

[Buf-Phoon]

probably should delete this, that said could have been any race or creed.

[Turboboy]

Subject: Not all seniors are senile

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening

with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque.

I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

[Kimberley Scott]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can;tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her

clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was

so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

__________________

[Turboboy]

..."The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was

so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' ".......

I can relate to this!