Joke Of The Day

[pizza_sleek]

I feel like doing this at times...

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/angryspam.html

[KEN 24T]

A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks'

"What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies

"Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time." say's the boy.

"Why is that? Asked his mom, puzzled?

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up".

[Cobra]

[Guest wrxboy]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: "I am 92 years old Father, I have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."

[Guest wrxboy]

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones.

[Cobra]

an old favourite

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence

and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little

Johnny.

He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot."

The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your

thinking."

Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for you. There are three

women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately

licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one

that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with

the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.

[Dagabond]

MAN CODE!!

1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLsh*t. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent) My favourite!

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly *beep*.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are geay.

[richdave]

What a good Friend?.

Telephone conversation goes;

"Hello, is this the police?

"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's

hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, ma'am."

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's

house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed

where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of

firewood but they find no cocaine.

They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house.

"Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday", maaaaate!!!!

[richdave]

Where did the white man go wrong?

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial

pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for

90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth.

You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,

where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then

calmly replied,

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work,

medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night

having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he

could improve system like that!"

[Guest wrxboy]

This guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come dressed as different emotions e.g. anger, fear etc

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door

to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on

his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And the guy says, "I'm green with envy". The host replies,

"Brilliant come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door

to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa

wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies, "I'm tickled

pink". The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the

host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, Stark naked, one with his willy stuck in a bowl of custard, and the other with his willy stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out there in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?" Paddy replies, "Well, I'm f*cking discustard, and my friend here has just come in dispair."!!!!!