Joke Of The Day

[Falchoon]

Seen them before BLKXRT, but still very funny, the office one is my Bible!

Is it just me, or could the "Office One" be applied to this forum?

:banghead:

Hrmm

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

You could be onto something there Ken.

Hope that's not directed at me that comment

[Cobra]

this is a tough crowd :lol:

ok .... same proviso ... dialup to slow to check 50 pages

Two Morons

Two morons were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding

would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over

his shoulder or nail it in. The other nut, figuring this was worth

looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed

toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward

the house, then I nail it in!"

The second moron got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails

pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the

house!"

[Cobra]

a Royal one

When she and bridegroom Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing

she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the family

crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they

expected, grunts, straining noises, and an occasional muffled scream.

Eventually, they heard Edward say,

"Goodness, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin!"

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say,

"Right. Now for the other one."

This was followed by more grunting and straining, and, at last, Edward

said,

"My Goodness. That was even tighter."

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

[Buf-Phoon]

Wordsmithing

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to

take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or

changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's

(2003) winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you

realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops

bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows

little sign of breaking down in the near future.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house,which renders the subject

financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person

who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these

really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's

like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day

consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when

they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after

you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your

bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in

the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an as*hole.

***********

Ever spoken and wished you could take the words back, or that you could

crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and

asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blo* job?" I

turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband

didn't say a word... he knew better.

Melinda Lowe, 39,

***

An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage

insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I

wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and

get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our

guest.

Kathy Newman, 46

***

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and

wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked

adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so

well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas

cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing

hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look.

Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in

addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror -

wearing nothing but a camera!

Name Withheld

***

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was

unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for

several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen

who works at the store. He asked if He could help me. Without

thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's

balls."

Colleen Collins, 31

***

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a

variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind

the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just

looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy

grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister

has never let me forget.

Faye Emerick, 34

***

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold ofher

after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I

told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be

punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice

just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell

Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence

was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers

stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and

walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard

when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Amy Richardson

***

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My

three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was

on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in

between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While

enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my

seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny

had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,

and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an

accident, and I don't have any clothes with me..." Then I said, "Danny,

are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just

KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting

worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an

accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and

spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30

people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled

up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by

thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

[Falchoon]

:o :banghead:

[BarraGT]

LOL!

[saleen]

HAHAHAHA

crank up the music and enjoy.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/thesmurfs.shtml

[richdave]

:lol:

Dig me up

[BarraGT]

Bondi vs Blacktown

And now, Blacktown (or other similar less fortunate suburb)

Oh! So not cool!

[Guest Walker]

What 's good on pizza and bad on *beep*??

CRUST!! :banghead: