Joke Of The Day

[turbo.vixen]

tab and my missus are like this buffy .they always gang up on me

[Ace]

drunk man goes to the toilet at the pub

while he is in there there are almighty screams heard from the toilet

the publican getting the sh.ts with the drunk goes in to see whats going on

publican"oi mate whats the f,,,ing problem your scaring off all my customers"

Drunk" every time I flush the dunny sumfin jumps up and squeezes the shlt outta my balls"

Publican" that's because your sitting on the mop bucket ya twit"

[Brandonn]

GUy: babe ive had a hard day at work tell me something that will make me both happy n sad at the same time

lady: uve got the biggest pen*s out of all your mates

[hafadude]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Boy – “I have a golf ball.”

Man – “That's nice.”

Boy – “Want to buy it?”

Man – “No, thanks.”

Boy – “My dad's outside.”

Man – “OK, how much?”

Boy – “$250”

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together..

Boy – “Dark in here.”

Man – “Yes, it is.”

Boy – “I have sand wedge.”

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

Boy – “$750”

Man – “Sold.”

A few days later, the boy’s father says to the boy, “Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice.”

The boy says, “I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge, dad.”

The father says, “What?! How much did you sell them for?”

Boy – “$1,000.”

The father says, “That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don't start that with me again, you little sh*t. You're in my closet now!”

[Superdan]

Man goes to doctor for a physical;

Doc: "You're going to have to stop masturbating."

Man: "Why?"

Doc: "Because I'm trying to give you a pyhsical."

Delivery driver knocks on person's door. 12yo boy opens the door wearing high heels, frilly underwear, bra, and smoking a cigar.

Boy: "Yeh?"

Driver: "Is your mum or dad home?"

Boy: "'... the f*ck do you think!?"

[turbo.vixen]

so you watched the montreal comedy show last night also

[harvyk]

Yeah, but it wasn't as good as last years (neither was the gala)

[tab]

Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.

Husband says ' Oh for f*ck’s sake stop crying, you're still my sister'

__________________________________

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, 'You're not f*cking listening'

_____________________________________________

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

_______________________________________________

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.

I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and f*cks off.

__________________________________________________

Today a local was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.

Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

___________________________________________________

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you f*cker'.

He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'F*ck off it'll be too painful', Now who's laughing'

[tab]

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny!

What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. 'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'

* * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mum'.

[turbo.vixen]

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,

And every year Buddy would say,

'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,

'Edna, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied,

"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Buddy replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Edna fell out,

But you know,

"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'