Joke Of The Day

[Cobra]

I'm on dialup so I hard to check if its been on here before .... my apologies if it has

my first joke here :

The Blonde and the Cute Sheep

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde

jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later,

as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car

to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd,

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said,

"352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably,

totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of

the deal.

Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one

that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said,

"O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair

colour,

can I have my dog back?"

[Cobra]

another one ... probably a duplicate too :lol:

Astrological Mystery

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and

went to sleep.

Several hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend: "Watson,

look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you ?"

Watson pondered for a moment.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and

billions of planets."

"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."

"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past

three."

"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small

and insignificant."

"Meteorologically, I suspect that tommorrow will be a beautifal day."

"What does it tell you Holmes ?"

Holmes paused for a moment.

"TO ME WATSON, YOU DICKHEAD, IT MEANS SOME bas*ard HAS STOLEN OUR TENT !"

[Cobra]

my absolute favourite piece .... essential reading for those who enjoy there jobs

( and one of the three must be a first :lol: )

Phrases you wish you could say at work

1. Ahhh...I see the frk-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

25. Who me? I just wander from room to room

26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

27. Do I look like a people person?

28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

31. You!... Off my planet!

32. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

34. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

35. Allow me to introduce my selves.

36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

37. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

40. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

42. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen

asleep yet.

43. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

44. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

45. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

46. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

47. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

49. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

50. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

[Cobra]

one more ... that's it for another twelve months ....

Irish Air Disaster - 20/1/2000

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna

plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Ireland.

search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and

expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Macktheknife]

Irish Air Disaster...................

I laughed for 17 minutes......................Fair Dinkum

[Falchoon]

Seen them before BLKXRT, but still very funny, the office one is my Bible!

Mack - your Australia Day one was very good too. :D

Gold Star and Elephant Stamp for both of you.

[aniken]

Bush & Arnie

"The United States is putting together a Constitution now for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It's served us well for 200 years, and we don't appear to be using it anymore. So what the hell?" -- Jay Leno

"Finally, a candidate who can explain the Bush administration's positions on civil liberties in the original German." -- Bill Maher, on Schwarzenegger running for Governor.

"President Bush is supporting Arnold. But a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if Arnold's father hadn't been a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all." -- Bill Maher

"President Bush is on a 35-day vacation, and before he left he had his annual physical, and it turns out his cholesterol now is lower than his approval rating." -- David Letterman

"Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country." -- Conan O'Brien

"Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language." -- Conan O'Brien

"They're saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least according to his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger." -- Craig Kilborn

"President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course --- he can't pronounce 'Schwarzenegger'." -- David Letterman

"Here's how bad California looks to the rest of the country. People in Florida are laughing at us." -- Jay Leno

"Well, we're all excited because President Bush has started his 35-day vacation. He's down there in Crawford, Texas, and on the first day of his vacation he went fishing. He didn't find any fish, but he believes they're there and that his intelligence is accurate." -- David Letterman

"The White House released a videotape of President Bush meeting with his cabinet, and today Iraqi officials say they believe the tape is authentic." -- Jay Leno

"President Bush held his first full press conference in over five months this week. He announced that the war on terrorism is continuing, much, much more work needs to be done on the economy, and Saddam Hussein has not yet been captured. Then he said, 'I'm going on vacation for a month.'" -- Jay Leno

"The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?" -- David Letterman

"If you add up all the time he's spent on the ranch, he's spent more time in hiding than bin Laden and Hussein put together." -- Bill Maher

"[President Bush] used his press conference to come out very strongly against *beep* marriage. And then he said, on a personal note, that he apologized if he had done anything to lead Tony Blair on." -- Bill Maher

"President Bush's economic team is now on their Jobs and Growth bus tour all across America. I think the only job they created so far is for the guy driving the bus." -- Jay Leno

"President Bush has refused to declassify portions of the congressional 9/11 reports about the Saudis, because he says it will help the enemy. Not Al Qaeda, the Democrats." -- Jay Leno

[KEN 24T]

Seen them before BLKXRT, but still very funny, the office one is my Bible!

Is it just me, or could the "Office One" be applied to this forum?

[Dagabond]

Seen them before BLKXRT, but still very funny, the office one is my Bible!

Is it just me, or could the "Office One" be applied to this forum?

:banghead:

Hrmm

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

You could be onto something there Ken.

[Guest]

Trouble is Mac,I beleve you,17 mins?

vik