Joke Of The Day

[Taxi 8 u]

What are the 2 most inportant holes on a females body?

Her nostrils....... it's so she can breathe while she's sucking your c*ck!

[tab]

Couple of oldies in amongst this...but quite a few pissers...

Maharishi Phucknuckel's Guide to Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f*ck off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

3. The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s milk and newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren’t getting any.

5. Don’t aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

6. Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

7. Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares whether you’re dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

10. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. Have you ever lent someone a 20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

15. Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.

16. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

20. There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

21. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much if your lips are moving.

22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

23. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

24. When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse

25. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.

[turbo.vixen]

lolololo

Edited 27/02/09 01:05 PM by turbo.vixen

[turbo.vixen]

Two kiwi's in a locker room changing before going for a swim after their first centerlink appointment - one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his ass .

"Hey bro,' stated the second, 'why you got a cork in ya ass!'

The first Kiwi say, 'It's stuck there- It won't budge!

'oh! how come,' said the other.

The first Kiwi says, 'I was walking along and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, then thus huge man in thongs& boardies drinkin a beer & wavin an Ozzie Flag came out.

He said, 'I'm Bazza, the Genie. I'll give ya one wish.'

I said, 'No sh*t?'

God Bless Australia

[Black F6]

I will appolagise for this one. My ex brother in law told this one over xmas dinner in front of his nan... lol

Little girl goes over to grandmas house.

Grandma says I'm going for a shower now.. Little girl says, can I have a shower with you grandma?

Grandma says, ok I guess.

In the shower the litlle girl points up and says "what's that grandma"? Well that's my beaver dear... Ahhh says the little girl..

A week passes and the little girl is back at home.

Mummy's says I'm going for a shower now. Little girl says, can I have a shower with you mummy?

The mum looks a bit confused, but says yeah that's fine.

In the shower, the little girl looks up and says, " I know what that is"... Her mother says "what".. "That's your beaver" says the little girl. Where did you hear that darling?

Grandma told me, but grandma's beavers dead, because it's tongue is hanging out....

Sorry, I'm a pig and love that joke...lol

[tab]

That's wrong.

Heard the best joke ever today:

What would you call Bob The Builder when he retires?

Bob.

[Ralph Wiggum]

Bob The retired builder??.

[Rootster]

two mates having a drink.One say's if I go to your house while you were at work,shagged your wife and she got pregnant would that make us related?

Bloke say dont know about related but it would definitely make us even.

[turbo.vixen]

DELIGHTFUL

During an hour’s swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/2 litre of urine.

An average person’s yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually, you will shake hands with 11 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests. (Mouth herpes.)

Daily you will breathe in 1 litre of other peoples’ anal gases.

YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY !

[turbo.vixen]

LIFE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he’s driving a

truck, with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, ‘Kenny! What are you

doing?’

Kenny replies, ‘Can’t talk right now I’m driving to Melbourne !’ The nurse

wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Kenny’s room just as he stops driving his

imaginary truck and she asks, ‘Well Kenny, how was your trip?’

Kenny says, ‘I’m exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.

That’s great,’ replied the nurse, ‘I’m glad you had a safe trip.’

The nurse leaves Kenny’s room, and then goes across the hall into another

patients’ room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

Shocked, she shouts, ‘Davo what are you doing!?’ To which Davo

replies,

‘Shhh, I’m shagging Kenny’s wife while he’s in Melbourne ‘.