Joke Of The Day

[Cro]

What cops say to the crims!

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Miranda rights

1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.

2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.

3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.

4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his pursuit of you in full stride.

5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.

6. Good luck. On your mark, get set....GO!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Caught for speeding

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"

The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

__________________________

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?"the cop asked.

"My wife." said the man.

[dankman]

Do you guys trust SWMBO to park your car?

[dankman]

Just your local friendly plumber

[dankman]

The person in the next post should have seen this sign first.

[dankman]

Here's why.

[HellionXR6T]

Subject: Husband Superstore

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a

husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the

men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to

choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go

back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some

husbands

First floor

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids. The

women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job

or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are

extremely good looking." Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's

further up?"

Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good

looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow," said the women,

"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, kids, are

extremely good looking, help with the housework and a strong romantic

streak." Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us

further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to

prove that women are f**king impossible to please. The exit is to your

left."

[Guest Butzy]

that's a very good joke lol, but so true in many ways lol.

[Falchoon]

Sorry too lazy to take out the >> marks

>Seven Degrees of Blondeness

>ONE

>

>

>

>A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

>The

>

>wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and

>said,

>

>"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The

>husband

>

>said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting

>to

>

>know 'if the coast is clear."

>

>

>

>

>

>TWO

>

>

>

>Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the

>

>sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.

>

>She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks

>

>familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first

>blonde

>

>hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You

>

>dummy, it's me!"

>

>

>

>

>

>THREE

>

>

>

>A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and

>buys

>

>a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the

>door

>

>she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really

>angry.

>

>She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is

>overcome

>

>with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend

>yells,

>

>"No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

>

>

>

>

>

>FOUR

>

>

>

>A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly

>

>says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's

>the

>

>capital of Western Australia?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy:

>W."

>

>

>

>

>

>FIVE

>

>

>

>What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

>

>

>

>"Is it mine?"

>

>

>

>

>

>SIX

>

>

>

>A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously,

>she

>

>managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was

>applying

>

>fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. My God!" the trooper

>gasped.

>

>"Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant.

>Are

>

>you OK ma'am?"

>

>"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

>

>"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he

>surveyed

>

>the wrecked car.

>

>"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving

>

>along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of

>me.

>

>So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the

>left

>

>and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another

>

>tree! I swerved to theleft and there was ...."

>

>"Uh,ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on

>this

>

>road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.

>

>

>

>

>

>SEVEN

>

>

>

>Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find"her house

>ransacked

>

>and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the

>crime.

>

>The policedispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit

>

>patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

>

>As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the

>blonde

>

>ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,

>then

>

>sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I

>come

>

>home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and

>what

>

>do they do?

>

>They send me a BLIND policeman

>

[turbotom]

Got to love this guy's work........

Subject: FAST THINKING

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked

to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him

that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the

matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some jerk wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right

behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the

other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the

manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out

of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.

Where are you from son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up

there."

"Really?" replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!"

"No kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[Guest wrxboy]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big t!ts".

Edited 16/01/04 02:34 AM by wrxboy