Joke Of The Day

[R-SPEC]

Mikey is at the pub with his mates havin a few brews. After a few hours of solid drinking he decides to get off the bar stool and go home. He only lives a few doors up so he tries to stand up and *WHACK* face first on the ground. 'Oh sh*t, im totally pissed, how am I gonna get home?' He decides to crawl out of the front door and tries again to stand up *SMACK* he clobbers himself on the footpath. 'Oh f*ck, im gonna have to crawl again!' So he crawls up to his front door and tries to get up again. *BANG* he thumps his head on the floor as he opens the door. He crawls to the couch and passes out.

The next morning his wife comes in and says 'Mikey, you silly bastard, your mates from the pub rang! You left your wheelchair behind!'

[Turboboy]

And that's when the fight started............

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot

as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the

gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

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My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel

horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200

in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

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I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were

in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Crown Lager for $38.50 from Woolies liquor.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer

would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

[Buf-Phoon]

I think I will PM a link to Shazz, should be some bannings by early AM I should imagine

[Chich]

I was thinking exactly the same thing..

[Turboboy]

Don't you blokes dare!

I'm too young to be skinned alive!

beg, beg, grovel, grovel

[tab]

an oldie but a goodie...

MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...*beep*.

2. If you have a cat, you are a *beep*. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled cops feet, or tits.

Anything else and you are a *beep* in training and undeniably a *beep*.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'.

If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is & nbsp; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the *beep* off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher.

[Turboboy]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy

as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her

out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the

curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his

wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart

rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

[Guest]

Kiwi bloke is working in a shearing shed, halfway through the day he sneaks off to the corner with a sheep and starts to cuddle & fondle it.

Aussie shearer spots him and yells out "Oi, you gonna shear that sheep or what?"

Kiwi replies "f*ck off, I aint gonna shear her with no one!"

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At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Aboriginal bloke 2 metres tall and 150 kilos. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Aboriginal. Leaning over towards the Aboriginal he whispers, 'Do you want a blow-job?'

At this the massive Aboriginal leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the bar.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. 'I've never seen you react like that', he says,' Just what did he say to you?'

'I'm not sure', the big Aboriginal replies, 'something about a job....'

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Why are kebabs and vaginas so alike?

They both drip all the time, the meat is always hanging out, and you only want one when you're pissed.

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You find out interesting things when you have sons, like:

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200 m2 house to a depth of 10 cm.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust balls & run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 20 Kg boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 6m x 6m room.

5. You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on.

6. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

7. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way.

8. The glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn't stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan.

9. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

10. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

11. A 6 year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

12. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

13. Play dough & microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

14. Super glue is forever.

15. No matter how many jelly crystals you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

16. Pool filters do not like jelly crystals.

17. VCR's do not eject 'BL&T' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

18. Bin bags do not make good parachutes.

19. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.

20. You probably DO NOT want to know what that smell is.

21. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

22. The fire department in Brisbane, Qld, has a 5-minute response time.

23. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

24. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

25. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

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Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a

Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young

blonde Swiss girl with large breas*s.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:

The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:

That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:

The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks:

I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

[freeze_dk]

80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

it did cross my mind haha

Edited 05/02/09 05:41 AM by freeze_dk

[Turboboy]

Whatever you do, don't let Tab or PC know about this QLD Army joke.

If they find out, I'm sure to cop it in the neck!

***********************

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter, Sheila