Joke Of The Day

[turbo.vixen]

Elderly Foreplay

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets Her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, Lying in bed and Putting both legs behind her head, yoga style. The second old woman thought that this was a great Idea, so that night When her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for Bed, she got Totally naked and began the process of putting her Legs behind her head. The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she Was a bit Arthritic.. However, she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so She rocked herself Backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that She flipped Slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt Sticking straight up in The air. It was just then that her husband came out of The bathroom. ‘Gladys!’ he exclaimed’ For heavens sake, comb your Hair and put your Teeth in .... You look like an asshole

Edited 11/01/09 08:19 PM by turbo.vixen

[TEDracing]

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breas*s and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breas*s, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's private parts. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my pen*s in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

[ZAP]

Russell Crowe flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play rugby league

and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come to South Sydney.

He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the

pre-season.

Two weeks later Rabbits are down 10 nil to Easts with only 10 minutes

left.

The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in.

The kid is a sensation - scores 3 tries in 10 minutes and wins the game

for South Sydney!

The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the

media are in love with the new star.

When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about

his first day of Australian Rugby League.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we

were 10 nil down, but I scored 3 tries and we won.

Everybody loves me, the fans, the media...

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.

Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were

ambushed, raped and beaten, your brother has joined a gang of

looters, and it's all your fault.'

The young Iraqi is very upset. 'My fault, how is it my fault?'

'You're the reason we moved to Redfern in the first place!'

[Panda Eyes]

I was on the train the other day and saw a middle eastern looking guy with a suitcase lookinh around nervously. when the train stopped he quickly got up and left, forgetting his breifcase. I jumped up and ran after him, handing him his suitcase.

he thanked me for my kindness, turned to leave, then hesitated, turned back to me and said: "sir, you very kind. I want reward kindness with advice: make sure you, your family and loved ones are no where near redfern this afternoon". "wh...why?" I asked nervously.

he replied:"because it's a dump!!!"

[Turboboy]

Old Flame

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to f * ck off.

[Chich]

love it...

[Chich]

A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the best of him, the guy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, “Guess who?”

“But why?” Asked the young guy.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the bald man replied.

[Chich]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the cops, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[TEDracing]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breas*s and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you

done wrong?

Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably

never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer

to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required

pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the

front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by

90%..

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and

still think they are sexy.

[TEDracing]

A Good Poem

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.

The End