Joke Of The Day

[Mitch]

got a missus ralfus?

[ralfus90]

haha not any more....

[mitchbek]

So Santa was have a bad day

First he goes to the factory and the elves are on strick AGAIN

then goes to feed the reindeer and 2 of them get away and he had find em

Finishes up for the day goes to get an ice cold beer and drops the glass and it was his last one

as his temper was rising he hears a knock at the door goes over and opens it and it's an angel\

the angel says God asked me to bring over this Christmas tree were do ya want me to stick it?

and from that day forward we have all put angels on the top of our Christmas trees

[Turboboy]

Have to think twice next week when I put the tree up!

Oh, and Ralfus, with those jokes man, gett'n a little wifie might be a tad tuff!!!

[ralfus90]

coz I didnt mean them to be jokes and all......but hey why buy the whole cow when you can get the milk for free right?

all that aside turboboy...youll still respect me in the morning wont you bloke?

[Pixy Angel]

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.' 'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.' So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking; they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?!' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

:angel:

[Pixy Angel]

NZ Earthquake

A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit New Zealand this morning. The country is devastated with 350,000 New Zealanders missing, and over 100,000 injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government is so overwhelmed that it has issued a worldwide appeal for assistance. Other nations have been quick to respond to the disaster.

Britain is flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to help locate trapped victims.

The USA is flying in food supplies and aid money.

France is flying in doctors, nurses and first aid units.

Japan is flying in high tech communications equipment.

Germany is flying in special trained police squads to help restore order.

Russia is flying in tents and warm clothing.

Australia is flying in 350,000 replacement Kiwis.......

[Turboboy]

coz I didnt mean them to be jokes and all......but hey why buy the whole cow when you can get the milk for free right?

all that aside turboboy...youll still respect me in the morning wont you bloke?

you bet I will pumpkin!

[XRDOSE]

The Scotsman

A Scotsman has been stranded on a deserted island for more than 10 years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself,

'It canna be a ship.' And, as the speck gets closer and closer, he rules out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.

In the end there emerges from the surf a figure clad in a black wet-suit.

The scuba gear and the top of the wet suit are removed to reveal a

drop-dead-gorgeous blonde! The vision strides up to the stunned Scotsman and says,

'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'

'Ten years,' replies the dazed Scotsman. At which, she reaches into a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulls out a fresh pack of Players Navy Cut. He takes one, lights it, and inhales s-l-o-w-l-y. 'Aye,' he says, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how

great a smoke can be!'

'And how long since you've had a drop of good Scotch whisky?' the blonde enquires. Trembling, the castaway replies, 'Ten years.'

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips another pocket and removes a flask. He opens it and takes a l-o-n-g swig. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' he sighs in gratitude. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde starts to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looks at the trembling man and asks, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman falls to his knees. 'God almighty,' he sobs. 'Dinna tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'

[Pixy Angel]

A Modern Parable.

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River

Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India .

Sadly, the End.

Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.

Ford folks are still scratching their heads, and collecting bonuses...

IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY