Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

Welcome to this year's public service exam.

I see that all of you have been able to find yourself a seat and desk, so obviously you've got what it takes to be public servants.

Should you pass this exam and become a member of the public service you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all of your friends, but also a unique package of fringe benefits, including:

* An early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning up for work

* Flexitime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at work and when you don't want to work away from work

* Free use of government stationery (this has been facilitated by the introduction of eight-items-or-less lanes as you leave the building)

I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or photocopying from their neighbour's paper will be automatically assigned to parliament, regardless of whether they fail the intelligence test ...*especially* if they fail the intelligence test.

MATHEMATICS

Please answer the following question in the spaces provided on your answer sheet.

If you went to lunch at 12.00 pm and came back to work at 2.30 pm, how long have you had for lunch?

The answer, of course, is half an hour.

For those who failed the maths test, you may still be eligible to become Mr Howard's tax policy adviser.

MULTIPLE CHOICE

1. If you are about to take your lunch break and a female member of the general public comes with an enquiry, you should address her by saying:

(a ) Can I help you, madam?

(b ) Can I help you, miss?

(c ) What can I do you for, mate?

(d ) How's tricks, doll-face?

The correct answer is 'none of the above'. This is a trick question.

If you are about to take your lunch break, you shouldn't talk to her at all.

2. If a member of the general public phones up with a complaint and

you realise the file on this matter has been lost, should you say:

(a ) We are looking into the matter.

(b ) Can I get back to you on this one?

(c ) The matters have been referred to another committee.

(d ) I haven't had a chance to look into it yet.

The correct answer is that you should tell them that they have the wrong telephone extension.

SPELLING

Spell the following words:

(a ) Tea

(b ) Sickie

(c ) Lunchbreak

(d ) Go-slow

This is the end of the examination.

Please sign your exam paper illegibly and pass it to those collecting

them, while denying that you have ever seen or heard anything about it.

GUIDE TO PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS = Able to bulls**t

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS = Spends a lot of time on the telephone

AVERAGE EMPLOYEE = Not too bright

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED = Made no major blunders (yet)

WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY = Too ugly to get a date

ACTIVE SOCIALLY = Drinks a lot

FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY = Spouse drinks as well

INDEPENDENT WORKER = Nobody knows what he/she does

QUICK THINKING = Offers plausible excuses

CAREFUL THINKER = Won't make a decision

AGGRESSIVE = Obnoxious

USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS = Gets someone else to do it

EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL = Speaks English

METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL = A nit picker

HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES = Is tall or has a loud voice

EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT = Lucky

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR = Knows a lot of dirty jokes

CAREER MINDED = Back Stabber

LOYAL = Can't get a job anywhere else

[HellionXR6T]

MY CHRISTMAS STORY:

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some christmas shopping done. I was stressed out a bit and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy.

I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a Quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 Years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.

He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and two sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs as a cleaner. She made very little to support her large family.

Nevertheless, she had managed to save $200 to buy her children Christmas presents.

The young boy had been dropped off on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home.

He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night. "Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So...... I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

[cvanxr]

So...... I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

[Falchoon]

One evening, a female police officer pulled a man over for DUI, and said, "You are under arrest. Anything you say, can and will be held against you. Do you want to say anything?" The drunk replied, "Nice boobs."

[HellionXR6T]

Hahaha

Onya Falchoon.

[KEN 24T]

... only you, Falchoon ... only you ...

[ktford]

Did you hear the one about the bearded bloke that screwed up the XR6T internet site?

Scotty

[aniken]

A young man named Jono received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Jono tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally Jono was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jono shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude. Jono in desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard. Fearing that he hurt the parrot, Jono quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jono's outstretched arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions. I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour".

Jono was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, but the bird continued...

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

[aniken]

A close shave

[aniken]

If women ruled the world