Joke Of The Day

[aniken]

I have kleptomania, but I'm taking something for it.

[aniken]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender "Hey, do you want to hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice the guy sitting next to him says, " Before you tell that joke I've got to tell you something. The bartender is blonde, as is the bouncer, I'm a six foot tall, 200 pound black belt veteran of the special forces, the guy sitting next to me is six foot two and weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella on your other side is six foot five, pushing 300 pounds and he's a wrestler, and we're all blondes. Think about it fella, do you really want to tell that joke?"

The blind guy thinks for a minute and then replies, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times"

[NT TURBO]

Why do women wear white at their wedding?

So they match the rest of the kitchen appliances.

[GlennAUII]

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?

A. Goes-in-tight!

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?

A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?

A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.

Q. Why don't little girls fart?

A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.

Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?

A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?

A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?

A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her *beep* went.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?

A. They don't have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?

A. They don't stop for directions.

Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!

Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?

A. The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?

A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant

A. Marry it.

Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

A. Give it a nipple.

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

A. Fur traders.

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

A. A cherry float.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?

A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

A. When his hand caught on fire.

Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano?

A. Tulips on your organ.

Q. What did Adam say to Eve?

A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!

Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?

A. Dress her up as an alter boy

Q. Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?

A. Better traction.

Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?

A. Push it aside and keep on eating...

Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?

A. Twocanchew (two can chew).

Q. How do you teach a blond math?

A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.

Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?

A. I feel like a kid again!

Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?

A. Two test tickles

Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?

A. A bloody waste of f*cking time.

Q. Why is a woman's *beep* like a warm toilet seat?

A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?

A. A pounding sensation in the ass.

Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

A. Gagged

Q. What is the Difference Between *beep* and Apple Pie?

A. You can eat your mom's apple pie.

Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?

A. Place to hang their air freshener.

Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?

A. They're going to call her Old Spice.

Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?

A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running c*nt

Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

A. Yell at her.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What do women and police cars have in common?

A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?

A. So they don't whistle on the way down.

Q. Why did the woman cross the road?

A. Never mind that, what the f*ck is she doing out of the kitchen?

Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?

A. So, when you pull their *beep* they won't sh*t on the floor.

Q. Why can't women read maps?

A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.

Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ?

A. All it takes is one *beep* and its all over.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?

A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?

A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Q. Why did God create alcohol?

A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?

A. Sexual harassment.

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

A. $3.99 a minute.

Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?

A. Their shaky hands!

Q. What is better than a cold Bud?

A. A warm bush.

Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A. Slow down and use some lubricant.

Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?

A. After you've finished with the thigh and breas*s, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?

A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm "Jersey"

Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?

A. Potpourri

Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?

A. You don't look down.

Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?

A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.

Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?

A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.

Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?

A. The prostitute stops f*cking you after you're dead.

Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?

A. Bingo

Q. What is a zebra?

A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?

A. Good morning Girls

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?

A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?

A. At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A. breas*s don't have eyes.

Q. How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?

A. One Post, two Globes, and many Times.

Q. What's the difference between a *beep* and a b**ch?

A. *beep*'s f*ck everyone at the party, b**ches f*ck everyone at the party except you.

Q. Did ya hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?

A. It works by changing your blood type!!

Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos?

A. Toys for Twats

Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "f*ck"?

A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?

A. Snowballs.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?

A. None It should be open when she brings it to you

Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?

A. The grip!

Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?

A. Miracle whip.

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?

A. Men always miss them.

Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?

A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.

Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?

A. They have cotton balls

Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?

A. You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.

Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?

A. Thanks for coming.

Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over?

A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.

[turbotom]

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b**ch tonight, Dave."

[XR64T]

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the

President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and

I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom"

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to

have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality

then?",

To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a

Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr

Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you

are not an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think

you're doing quite nicely as a Country".

[Macktheknife]

[pym]

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

[Macktheknife]

Does anybody remember the old Swag-men. If so, read on.

Well this old swaggy has been on the road for a few weeks now without seeing a bloody soul. Hasn't had too much to eat and also hasn't been to the loo for about half a week.

Well he soon gets the urge so he goes a couple of yards into the scrub, drops his daks and starts to squat down. Suddenly he hears a loud "THWUP THWUP THWUP" noise. He jumps up pulling his strides up and looks around. Nothing....Nothing for miles. So he gets back on the track and walks for another hour or so.

Soon the need arises again. So he has a look around and slips in of the track, daks down, squats, "THWUP THWUP THWUP" "Holey bloody hell" he yells. "who's there?" Again he has a good look around but the country is pretty flat and there's no one for miles.

Off he goes again. A bit nervy and looking about him all the time. Soon a real pain starts in his gut and he just has to have another go. Off into the scrub a bit and goes through the same process. Just about to relax into the squat when, THWUP THWUP THWUP THWUP.

Well the poor old swaggy nearly dies of fright. Gets himself together and continues on up the road not knowing what to do.

Well what do you know. Just rouds a little bend in the road and there's another swaggy heading towards him.

"Mate" he says. "ya gotta help me. I've been trying to take a crap all day but some drongo must be spying on me. Can ya keep an eye out for me while Just nick into the scrub for a minute" "Too right mate" says the other swaggy, "ya cant be too bloody careful"

So off he goes, does the stuff, just getting down in the squat, THWUP THWUP THWUP. He jumps up shouting "There. There. Did ya hear it? Did ya see anyone?.

The other swaggy shakes his head and says "No mate, not a soul in sight anywhere but I sure heard it"

"Crikey" says the old swaggy "I dunno what I m gunna do. I might die"

"Listen" says the other fella. " do it again and I'll have a real good look.

So he goes through tthe ritual again and sure enough THWUP THWUP THWUP.

Soon as he jumps up, the other swaggy says to him "Listen mate, how long since ya had something to eat?"

"Aw about four or five days" says the swaggy.

"Ya stupid bloody old coot" says the other bloke, "that's the problem. Every time ya squat down, ya arseholes trying to eat the bloody grass...........

[KEN 24T]

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

I'm not indecisive ... am I?