Joke Of The Day

[Falchoon]

Life and a can of Beer

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours

in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar........and the

beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in

front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very

large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into

the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open

areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the

jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the

jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and

poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty

space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,

"I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life. The golf

balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health,

your friends, your favourite passions--things that if everything else

was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. "The

pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your

car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room

for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend

all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room

for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play

with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your

partner out to dinner. Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house, and mow the lawn. "Take

care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your

priorities.

The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer

represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,

there's always room for a couple of beers."

[cvanxr]

Subject: The gynaecologist

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on

the verge of being burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial,

he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed

up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist

prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to

appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if

there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart

perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine

back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, " I gave you an extra 50% because you

did all of it through the muffler!"

[ducatijb]

>>> > > CHILLI CONTEST

>>> > >

>>> > > If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter

>>>running

>>>down

>>> > your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!

>>> > >

>>> > > *Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay

>>>attention to

>>> > the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even

>>>better!

>>> > >

>>> > > For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true

>>>this is.

>>> > >

>>> > > They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the

>>>Rodeo comes to

>>> > town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the

>>>Astrodome.

>>> > >

>>> > > The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named

>>>Frank, who

>>>was

>>> > visiting Texas from the East Coast:

>>> > >

>>> > > Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge

>>>at a

>>>chilli

>>> > cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I

>>>happened

>>> > > to be standing there at the judge's table asking for

>>>directions to the

>>> > Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the

>>>other two

>>> > > judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that

>>>spicy and,

>>> > besides, they told me I could have free beer during the

>>>tasting, so I

>>> > accepted."

>>> > >

>>> > > Here are the scorecards from the event:

>>> > >

>>> > > Chilli # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli)

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing

>>>kick.

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh*t, what the hell is this

>>>stuff? You could

>>> > > remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to

>>>put the

>>> > flames

>>> > > out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

>>> > >

>>> > > Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno

>>>tang.

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be

>>>taken

>>> > seriously.

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm

>>>not sure what

>>> > > I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two

>>>people who

>>> > > wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush

>>>in more beer

>>> > > when they saw the look on my face.

>>> > >

>>> > >

>>> > >

>>> > > Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs

>>>more beans.

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 2 -- A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of

>>>peppers.

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My

>>>nose feels

>>> > > like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine

>>>by now. Get

>>> > me

>>> > > more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,

>>>now my

>>> > backbone

>>> > > is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced

>>>from all of

>>>the

>>> > beer!

>>> > >

>>> > >

>>> > >

>>> > > Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice.

>>>Disappointing.

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side

>>>dish for fish

>>>or

>>> > other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,

>>>but was

>>>unable

>>> > > to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,

>>>the barmaid,

>>> > > was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.

>>>b**ch is

>>>starting

>>> > > to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is

>>>chilli an

>>> > aphrodisiac?

>>> > >

>>> > >

>>> > >

>>> > > Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly

>>>ground,

>>> > adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 2 - Getting better, good and meaty Must admit the

>>>cayenne

>>> > peppers make a strong statement.

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my

>>>forehead.

>>> > Call

>>> > > me paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told

>>>her that her

>>> > > chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from

>>>bleeding

>>>by

>>> > > pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if

>>>I'm burning

>>>my

>>> > > lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges

>>>asked me to

>>>stop

>>> > > screaming. Screw those rednecks.

>>> > >

>>> > >

>>> > >

>>> > > Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good

>>>balance of

>>> > spices and peppers.

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,

>>>onions, and

>>> > garlic. Superb.

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge #3-- I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it

>>>will eat

>>> > > through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me

>>>except that

>>> > > tart Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my

>>> lips

>>> > > anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

>>> > >

>>> > >

>>> > >

>>> > > Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on

>>>canned

>>>peppers.

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw

>>>in a can of

>>> > > chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I

>>>am worried

>>> > > about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he

>>>is cursing

>>> > > uncontrollably.

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the

>>>pin, and I

>>> > > wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the

>>>world sounds

>>> > > like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with

>>>chilli,

>>>which

>>> > > slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of

>>>lava-like sh*t to

>>> > > match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know

>>>what killed

>>>me.

>>> > > I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it;

>>>I'm not

>>> > > getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it

>>>in through

>>> > > the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

>>> > >

>>> > >

>>> > >

>>> > > Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli)

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend

>>>chilli. Not too

>>> > > bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

>>> > >

>>> > > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli.

>>>Neither mild

>>> > > nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #

>>>3 passed

>>> > out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of

>>>himself. Not

>>> > sure if

>>> > > he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have

>>>reacted to

>>>really

>>> > >>>> > > hot chilli?

[KEN 24T]

:o

That's one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. :o

[Falchoon]

Had this before. Funnier withiout the >>>>> as well....

everyone's a critic I know

[cvanxr]

Why cops don't stop in Queanbeyan.

[Falchoon]

Get with the program cvanxr

http://www.fordxr6turbo.com/forum/index.ph...?showtopic=7599

[KEN 24T]

So, Falchoon ... who turned you into the "fun police"?

[cvanxr]

Get with the program cvanxr

http://www.fordxr6turbo.com/forum/index.ph...?showtopic=7599

So like me my emails are a bit slow. :o Give me a break, I do live in the country.

[Falchoon]

So, Falchoon ... who turned you into the "fun police"? 

What's it to you, grandpa Shouldn't you be out bowling or washing your cardigan or something?