Joke Of The Day

[ZAP]

The Day the pen*s asked for a Raise

I, the pen*s, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have

raised, the administration rejects your request for the following

reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting

other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated

in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such

as wearing

the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have

completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and

exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

[Chich]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all

dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[SubJimbo]

[XRDOSE]

BAHAHAHAHAH yeah heard that one one b4! Gets me laughin everytime!

[Twisty]

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

[phantomchic]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

'The wife replied, 'The bloody funeral director would be my first guess.'....

[jsmith]

yeah typical of a female to post that OLD joke!

[Dagabond]

A man goes to a disco and starts chatting with a very

attractive looking Chinese girl.

She appears to be all over him and soon asks him

back to her place "for a coffee".

When they get to her flat she tells him to help himself to a drink

while she slips into something more comfortable.

Just as he finishes getting his drink the sexy Chinese seductress

returns wearing only a see-through negligee.

"I am your sex slave!" she says,

"I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want"

Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise

and can't believe his luck. so he says:

"I really fancy a 69".....

"PISS OFF" replies the girl.....

"I'm not cooking at this time of night!

[Dagabond]

I bought a racehorse today.

I've decided to call him 'My Face'.

I don't care if he doesn't win a race, or makes me any money.

I just want to hear thousands of those posh tarts at Flemington shouting

'Come on my face!'

[senna_T]

for the last two